Romantic thoughts.

I never actually thought it would happen... but I am now a Twilight
fan. After being persuaded to read the series by two of my cousins, I
decided to give it a shot. After reading twilight, the first book of
the series, I couldn't stop. I wanted to read more. It was a deeply
rooted fixation that had made me craving more of the twisted tales. I
owned the second book thanks to someone leaving it behind at the
playhouse, so I dove right in. I found myself wanting more when I had
finished the second book, so I drove to Ellenville after work to
borrow the last two from my cousin. I finished the last book of the
series a little over an hour ago.

What is it about these books that had me coming back for more? The
writing was basic and at times immature in style, yet I couldn't put
them down. The stories dance around tales of warewolves and vampires
and yet that didn't stop me. I looked to see if perhaps my dreams
would give me away. Nothing but a dream about new kids on the block
and work. What was it that had a hold on me?

It hit me shortly before I started the third book...
IT WAS THE ROMANCE.

True to form, I had latched on to a book that told a story of intense,
unwavering love. Ugh. Of course. I found myself reading about such an
intense love and wishing I could experience such a thing. A vampire
novel had my stomach in knots. I have sat here replaying scenes of the
books over again in my head, wondering if it were possible to have
such a burning desire to be with another person. Of course, my mind
then raced to the faces of my friends who are experiencing that desire
right now. The desire to do anything for the person you love. The
desire to be as close to them not only emotionally but physically as
well. My mind danced between jealousy and guilt for quite awhile. It
has just now settled on a completley different emotion: despiration.

Why have I not found that kind of relationship? Will I ever find it?
What happens if I never find it?

I know that this questioning is no good as it typically only leads to
depression, but I simply cannot help but question my romantic fate.
Why is it that everyone I know is pairing up and so deeply in love?
How come I haven't even been on a date in what seems like eternity? Am
I truly destined to be alone? Scenes of weddings and babies play in my
mind as if I'll experience it soon. I mentally know I'm not ready for
children yet, but I can't help but feel as though time is slipping
away, and I'll never get my chance. I'll never be the bride, the wife,
the mother...

I'm only 23. Yes, I can see 24 creeping towards me, but that certainly
shouldn't put my emotions into overdrive. I'm certainly not entering
my barren days of womanhood, yet I feel as though if something doesn't
happen romantically soon, it never will happen at all.

I feel silly to let books do it to me, but the more I look at it, the
more I find other things doing it to me as well. Movies, tv shows, co-
workers, my family. Mom has made cracks at me saying "We will never
find a man for you" or "who knows when a man will take you away." As
much as I know she's joking, it still stokes a chord deep in my core.
I want to find love. I want to be needed as much as I need another. I
want to feel safe in his arms and happy to be held by him. I want to
work at a relationship. I to say "I do forever" and actually mean it.
I want to look into his eyes and see the future father of my children.

I know that if it's meant to happen then it will in time. I'm just not
sure I'm strong enough to wait. Until then, I'm off to drown myself in
my sappy romance movies (dangerous beauty) and wipe my eyes.