Strength and weaknesses

I'm home from the hospital. I called my mother today to inform her that I'd be coming down for dinner. It certainly had been awhile since the last time I saw her. I hang up the phone and get ready to leave. I send a text and all of a sudden she is calling me again.

My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.

Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.

I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.

When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.

My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.

Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.

I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?


I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.

http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.


-Jess

An Easter to remember

This Easter was by far one of the best that I have celebrated. As part of Jordan's Easter basket, I bought tickets to see Fela! We decided to plan a day around the 2:00 matinee performance, and then the next thing you know we landed a hotel room for nothing (thanks to a connection my mom had made). The day we had planned turned into a 2-day event that was full of fun and laughter. We took the train into the city and arrived around 11:20. A taxi ride later brought us to the hotel to drop off our things. From there we went to this hipster burger joint at Le Parker Meridian hotel. It was a cool little place behind a curtain that made delicious burgers. On the walls were tons of celebrity (and wanna-be celebrity) signatures and notes about the food. I thought that was kind of neat. Jordan and I both decided that it was a win on the "dining in NY" list. Good food, decent prices, great feel to it. From there we decided to take a walk down to Pinkberry which was an amazing experience. I had a pomegranate pinkberry with fresh raspberries, blackberries, kiwi and pineapple. Delicious on such a warm day! We sat at the corner of W. 56th and 8th Ave. watching people and eating our frozen treat. We decided to take a walk down to times square to take a look at things (and to be in the general area of the theater) and found ourselves in the M&M store. We killed some time (thanks partially to the line to the ladies room) and then headed to the theater.

I can honestly say that Fela! was unlike any show I've seen. It was electric. Emotionally charged, rhythmically unique, a look and sound that really keeps your blood pumping. It made me happy to break out of the "traditional" musical scene and see something that I normally would have passed over. It also renewed my love for live theater and my desire to be a part of it. The musicians look like they are having such a good time, and you can tell that the cast WANTS to be on stage and that they love doing their job. It made me think about leaving the playhouse last season, and how much I am going to miss being in that environment this summer. (I do, however, remind myself that NO job is worth the verbal abuse I sustained, and the $405 I made a week did not cover the 80 hours of my life I put into my job.) Seeing this show also reminded me that I don't live far from the city, so there are no excuses as to why I cannot renew my love for the theater more often. (Well, aside from finances of course.)

We went back to the hotel after the show and had to hang out for a bit. I had a bit of a headache (allergies I'm thinking) and had to wait for the tylenol to kick in. We decided to grab pizza at Bella Napoli for dinner and then to Crumbs for dessert. Seriously, the best cupcake I've ever had. The raspberry swirl is AMAZING! We headed back to the hotel to eat our cupcakes and decide where to go from there. We decided drinks were in order so we went to 1-2-3 burger shot beer (a sports bar) for a few drinks, then we went back to the hotel to have a couple of more (since we felt badly about not having dinner there). After awhile of talking and laughing, we headed back to the room to crash.

Sunday morning rolls around and we start packing our things and getting ready to head to Telepan for brunch, since Jordan had made reservations for us. We make a quick trip back to Crumbs to grab cupcakes for the family for Easter dessert (which were well received, and the Caramel Apple cupcake is yet another AMAZING flavor) and then took a nice stroll to the restaurant. While walking, we passed the Met which then got my brain going. I want to go see an opera, and it's the same situation as coming to see a play or musical. Just take the train in and go! What's stopping me? Why don't I look into these things? Madama Butterfly is on the list for this season. ONE OF MY FAVORITE OPERAS! You can bet that I am going to start looking into tickets, because I don't want to miss a shot to see productions of great operas because I'm too lazy to help myself. Brunch was amazingly delicious (apple crepes and pear french toast...mmm) but ridiculously decadent, so we decided to walk it off in the Barnes and Noble down the street. About an hour of shopping (and two books later) we left, headed back to the hotel and then to Grand Central. The train back to Beacon was peaceful, and the drive was great until I was about 15 minutes from mom's. I was pulled over (joy) and given a ticket for speeding. We get to Mom's house where there are people galore (Stephanie, Bianca, Chas and Devan came from Newburgh, Lisa, Jill and Adam, Mom, Alex, Olivia, Myself, Jordan and then a family friend Fred. A nice gathering) eating and having a good time. Jordan and I eat, take a trip back to my house so he can finish packing and then he he left.

It was an awesome weekend spent with a person who makes me laugh and smile continuously. (Well, maybe not continuously, but it sure feels like it. :-P) It was full of new experiences and great stories to tell. It was a weekend that will seriously go down as one of the best. I can't wait to see what other weekend adventures will be planned.