It has been quite awhile

Wow, it has been months since I've blogged. Looking back over the bullets from the new year, I've realized that already much had happened. I don't have the time or effort to get into it all in detail, so I will write about a few things so as to purge my mind of them for now. Hopefully you'll be able to tolerate it...haha

The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.

The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.

Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.

I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol

The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.

I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.




-Jess

Control

Okay okay, I'm a control freak. The first step to recovery and change is admitting your problem, right? I am not a control freak in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to my feelings and the way that I act/react/process/live daily I like to have total control. I like to be able to say "I am angry, and I'm going to walk away" or make the decision to fly off the handle and make with the screaming. I've always been good about holding back tears when it's not an appropriate time/place for them and have always been someone who could mask her supreme joy if necessary. (Well, aside from Trista, no one could tell just how I'm feeling. She's got this crazy ability to read me instantly!) I feel as though lately I've lost control of myself and it terrifies me. I can't hold the smile back when the phone rings. When I see the two-year old my heart visibly pours out. I feel as though if you were to see me interacting with the firefighter and his son, my eyes would be sending the message loud and clear. Nothing hidden. This is what worries me. I want to decide when to send the message. When to allow people to see what's really going on inside of my heart. What my brain is trying to rationalize away. What I'm trying to avoid. Yes, I said it, avoid. I'm terrified of the feelings that really exist, as the last time I was certain I was feeling them, my heart was crushed. (Luke) The control freak inside of me doesn't want to open up to the possibility of that happening again, yet I'm fully aware that without allowing that possibility I'm cutting myself off from the possibility that my heart will not be broken. There is a possibility that my heart, instead, would be free to experience something so beautiful. Risks vs benefits. I decided to be brave (in the wimpiest sense of the word...ha!) and write a little of how I'm feeling in his Christmas card. Granted, I didn't use THE word, and I'm not sure when he'll actually read it, (it's on his gift which I intend to give in person) but I did it. We shall see how it all turns out.

I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.

Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?

Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)

Until the next post. Wish me luck!


-Jess

Strength and weaknesses

I'm home from the hospital. I called my mother today to inform her that I'd be coming down for dinner. It certainly had been awhile since the last time I saw her. I hang up the phone and get ready to leave. I send a text and all of a sudden she is calling me again.

My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.

Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.

I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.

When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.

My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.

Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.

I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?


I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.

http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.


-Jess

Hello again

Man oh man it's been awhile. I'm not sure why, but I haven't felt the need to blog lately. I decided after I had to do a factory reset on my phone and found an old blogging app I loved in my iTunes to come back and write about the goings-on.

If any of you are friends with me on facebook, I'm sure you've seen my posts about how much I hate Bank of America. I've been an account holder with BoA since 2003. In that time I've had so many issues with them. Account fraud that was almost unsolved because of their lack of mailing the necessary paperwork, overdraft fees on a positive balance, authorizing companies to take money from my account without notifying me, and the latest "you can't cash your check, but you can deposit it and access your money by Tuesday" fiasco. I have a positive balance in my account. The last overdraft issue was months ago, and was rectified quickly. (Only overdraft because of mother. Ugh.) Apparently I'm not allowed to cash my $512 payroll check because of account relations. What? When I asked about this, I was told that unless I had the money in my account to cover the check I was trying to cash (and then deposit in cash so I could access the money) then I would have to deposit the check. Apparently from now on, unless you keep $500 or more in your account at all times, your account relationship is shady at best and they hold your money hostage from Friday until Tuesday morning. I asked to close my account yesterday. I was told if have to wait for the 4 other people before me and it'd probably not happen today because it was getting close to closing. I asked if I could make an appointment so I wouldn't run into this problem. The branch manager is first come first served. Appointments don't exist. Oh BoA, I hate you.

I will be removing my money on Tuesday, closing my account and moving my business elsewhere.

Work has been interesting. I finally made my case for a transfer which should be happening by the end of the year. Until then, I remain covered in bruises and mentally and physically exhausted. I was asked to teach a toddler music class at a montessori school three mornings a week, but since it's not full-time I was forced to decline. If it becomes a full-time position, they said they would call me and make me an offer. Since they've only been open for a month, they said it might take time to boost enrollment. Keep your fingers crossed!

Things with Jordan have been amazing. We are quickly approaching one year together and it blows my mind. I'm trying to figure out something special for our anniversary. :-) I still hate that I only see him on weekends, but he's keeping his eyes open for a job in this area so he can move in. Keep your fingers crossed for him. I know I am.

Mom just recently had surgery on her knee, but thankfully she's doing alright. They fixed her tendon (it was twisted sideways), shaved the bone shards off of the kneecap and drilled a hole through the bone to allow for constant bleeding in order to re-grow cartilage. She has to put no weight on her foot for 6 more weeks, but her doctor said she'll make a full recovery. This will also allow her partially torn achilles tendon to heal as well.

Anywho, I'm going to head back to my book. Hope this update finds you well.