hi
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Jessica
Friday, April 6, 2018
Monday, November 16, 2015
Diaper sample!
I signed up for influenster awhile ago on a whim and received my first mailer last week.
I received a coupon for a free pack of Babies R Us New Dipers. Let's be real, free diapers are always a win, but when they're free and they are good diapers? BONUS POINTS!
Vaughn is still in size 1s (the only size we didn't load up on) so that's what we picked up. $7.99 is the original price on these diapers which is a little less expensive than Pampers and Huggies, our trusted go-tos.
These have some cute designs on them and also features a wetness indicator--Bill's favorite feature! They seem pretty light weight which is also nice. I hate bulky diapers!
I received a coupon for a free pack of Babies R Us New Dipers. Let's be real, free diapers are always a win, but when they're free and they are good diapers? BONUS POINTS!
So far, the BRU diapers are keeping V dry and happy. No leaks, no rashes or reactions! We will see how they do overnight! 
*I received these diapers free in exchange for an honest review of the product. The review is genuine, not fueled by free stuff. If they were awful diapers, I'd let you know!*
Saturday, September 19, 2015
What they don't tell you about breastfeeding.
When labor is through and you have this cute little human in your arms, you really can't imagine much outside of "I will feed my child, keep them clean and love them forever." Sure, in the back of your mind you're hoping you don't drop them, teach them swear words or end up doing them any kind of emotional harm. You probably aren't thinking that the process of feeding your child is going to be a cause of great stress.
Sometimes it is, and I'm here to say that it's okay.
From the time my brother came into this world, breastfeeding was normal for me. I witnessed my mother do it as well as other friends and family members. I rarely saw a baby with a bottle and if I did it was due to the mother having to work. I never once thought that I'd bottle feed my child with the exception of when I returned to work, and even then, I never thought I would be a formula mom. Then I became pregnant and things changed.
During my pregnancy (which was textbook perfect, not a single issue or major complaint here) I did some reading on women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and childbearing. I have read a great deal of literature on PCOS in general and how it relates to fertility and conception, however reading more research on PCOS and pregnancy brought some major questions to mind. I first had a notion that breastfeeding would be difficult when I started reading about PCOS and tissue development. Some women with PCOS end up with tubular breasts due to a lack of glandular tissue. That glandular tissue is what produces milk during lactation. Some women have perfectly normal shaped breasts and still lack that glandular tissue, however tubular breasts are a tell-tale sign that something is different. I brought my concerns to my doctor (after crying about the possibility of not being able to feed my child) and she said "we really can only wait and see what will happen. You could produce milk without any issues, or you may not produce enough to exclusively breast feed."
Fast forward to after Vaughn's arrival. Despite having a pretty serious upper lip tie (that we still are working on having fixed), he latched pretty well. I could hand express colostrum which made me so happy. He nursed pretty well and seemed content for the first couple of days. He had lost weight before we discharged from the hospital which was normal so we didn't think anything was wrong. We brought him home and he became a little more fussy than normal. Upon taking him to the doctor, he had lost even more weight. We scheduled a follow-up for the following week and that's when everything changed. At that second appointment I was told he had lost 25% of his body weight and it was most likely due to my not producing enough milk. She told me that I was basically starving my child and had to begin supplementing immediately.
I drove home and cried. I called Bill and cried. I called my mom and cried. I sat at home, held my son in my arms, and cried. I had felt like such a failure. How could this be happening? I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant in the first place and I did, so shouldn't that mean the same for my breasts and feeding my child? Thankfully I had a free sample can of formula in the house, so I was able to give him his first bottle.
And I cried.
Then I started doing research, and found that so many formulas are made of really crummy ingredients. I ended up using the Honest Company and was thankful that he had no reaction to the change. (I mean I get that formula is higher in calories than breast milk, but does it have to be made with corn syrup as the first ingredient as well as vegetable oil solids? I don't use veggie oil in my own house. I'm not feeding this to my child!)
Then began the insanity that is a supplementing mother's life. For each time Vaughn is hungry I nurse him on both sides. Once he's done at the breast, I feed him a bottle. When all is said and done, I strap myself to my pump and pump for 10-20 minutes. Do you know how often an infant eats? I feel like I'm hooked to my pump all day. I do this though to try and boost my supply. The more you nurse and pump, the more you're sending a signal to your brain and breasts to make more milk. You are also killing your nipples in the process, but thank God for lanolin. I should take stock in the stuff. With all of this pumping, I was only getting maybe a quarter of an ounce of milk a day. I didn't produce enough to give in a bottle even over a couple of days. I was syringe feeding Vaughn whatever I pumped as soon as I was done pumping.
I made lactation cookies, lactation bites, lactation smoothies. I am taking fenugreek three times a day. I'm staying as hydrated as possible and am attempting to get enough calories(from good foods) so I produce enough milk. Slowly but surely my production has increased. It's still not much compared to your typical mother, however to me, each drop is gold and I'm ecstatic. I rented a hospital grade pump and learned the art of hand expression to try and get even more for my son. I even invested in a manual pump to keep by my bed so I can pump quietly without having to disturb anyone by getting up and moving around the house. Through all of this work, I managed to pump more than I ever have in two days. 
I pumped five ounces. And I cried.
Why put myself through all of this stress? Breast milk has so many benefits. Did you know that the compounds of your breast milk change with your child's needs? Your breasts actually take in some "backwash" from your child and send signals to your body to produce and distribute different antibodies and bacteria needed. Pretty cool, right? I see it as every drop I can give him is better than nothing, although I harbor no ill feelings towards any mother who exclusively formula feeds. I understand now more than ever the many reasons why formula is an option.
These five weeks with Vaughn have been hard and stressful and a test of my will and emotions. They have also been five of the most incredibly rewarding weeks of my life. To see my boy grow, develop a personality, recognize my voice and navigate his world is awesome. To see his strength and his persistence (like rolling from his stomach to his back at a week old, holding his head up to look at me while he's on my chest or scooting himself across the floor on his belly while he's on his activity mat...) to take in his surroundings blows my mind. I wouldn't change it for the world. I will continue to pump, to hand express and nurse for as long as my body decides it will make milk for my son. If that means hauling a set of "pumping luggage" with me everywhere I go or sacrificing some of what little sleep I can manage, so be it. If that means crying when I knock over a bottle of milk, even if it's only drops, well that's what I'll do.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I haven't blogged in quite some time, but I figured the story of my labor and delivery would be the perfect place to pick up where I left off.
A little back info:
My doctor, Dr. Jen Shamah doesn't deliver, but I've worked with her for years and completely trust her so I continued to see her through the majority of my pregnancy. In my third trimester we decided to meet delivering OBs, including Dr. Chu (our favorite), Dr. Cohen (who delivered me) and Dr. Todd.
On Friday, August 14th, Bill and I headed to our 39+6 prenatal appointment, complete with another non-stress test. We had this appointment scheduled with Dr. Todd, and this would be the first time meeting her. The nurse who hooked us up was amazing and as this was our second non-stress test, we just relaxed and began. When Dr. Todd finally came in, she was very abrasive and said "WOW! Your stomach is so big! How much weight have you gained this pregnancy?" I had only gained 23 pounds total and she instantly said "I'm surprised and now very concerned. That is a 10lb baby. We cannot allow you to deliver vaginally. There are too many risks with a baby that size. He could get stuck. He could end up with shoulder dysplasia and a palsy. He could grow out of this, or he could have restricted movement of his arms. His head is also really high. Did you see how far I had to go to check you? His head will not fit. This is a sign of that. I am going to send you to Dr. Kaminsky for an ultrasound to size that baby. Come back to me when you're done."
Dr. Kaminsky is a maternal fetal medicine specialist and someone I had seen several times. Due to Vaughn measuring large, his kidneys measuring slightly large and a scare about debris or a bubble in his stomach, we had multiple ultrasounds to keep an eye on things. His stomach turned out to be just fine but throughout the pregnancy he continued to measure large and I continued to show an excess of amniotic fluid. They had originally talked about induction around 37 weeks because of the fluid and his size, but due to passing my first non-stress test and being in great health, they decided this would not be necessary.
I have the ultrasound done, Vaughn measures at 9lbs 11oz and Dr. Kaminsky meets with me to discuss delivery options. I of course was quite upset by Dr. Todd's approach and the idea that I would have to have a c-section simply because my baby was large. Dr. Kaminsky talked to Bill and I about how the baby wasn't so large that she would say a c-section was absolute, but that there were risks either way and we needed to weigh both options.
I sat in the waiting room of Dr. Todd's office after that and cried until she called us in.
Dr. Todd met with Bill and I in her office and said that she was admitting us to the hospital because of my blood pressure being 120/90 and that I wasn't leaving without a baby. She went over the risks of having a vaginal delivery with me and then told me that Dr. Chu was on-call and at the hospital so she needed to let him know what our choice was. I told her to let him know that I would discuss it all with him when I got there.
If she thought my blood pressure was high at 120/90, it's a good thing she hadn't taken my pressure at that moment. I'm sure it was nearing stroke level.
Bill and I head over to the birthing center (thankfully my hospital bag had been packed and in the car for about a month) and check in. I made my phone-calls and headed up to the sixth floor where we would be shown to our delivery room.
Mom arrives, I am given my gown and the first delivery nurse hooks me up to the fetal monitor. This was not what I wanted. I wanted to move around, do what I needed to do through my labor to get through each contraction. Now, that was no longer an option. Dr. Chu came in and spoke with me about my options. He did let me know that with a large baby there were risks, and in the past he has had to break a collar-bone if a baby has become stuck and there's no time for a c-section. He told us that there were risks with a c-section as well, but whatever we would decide he would stand behind, as he would not pressure us either way. He left to give me some time to think about it, and Bill and I discussed our option. I actually asked him what he thought I should do. I kept saying "if I break my baby I'll never live with myself but if I have a c-section when I could have delivered vaginally, I'm going to be pissed." The nurse told us "in my years of doing this, if a baby isn't going to fit, your body will typically show you signs before it gets too dangerous. You may not dilate because of lack of pressure. If you really want to try vaginal birth, try it. Emergency c-sections are done for just that, an emergency." Bill told me to go with what I had wanted, and so we decided on a vaginal birth.
Dr. Chu came back in, we told him we had decided on a vaginal birth and so he directed the nurse to start pitocin. Another thing I had hoped to avoid during my pregnancy. They wouldn't rupture my membranes due to the baby being high and the risk for the cord to descend first, and he didn't think that other techniques would get things to where they needed to be. Okay...pitocin it is. Throughout the non-stress test earlier that day as well as all of the discussion since being hooked to the monitors, I was seeing contractions grow and gain intensity. No pain, some pressure, nothing that I hadn't experienced before. Around 8pm I started the pitocin and relaxed and watched the Bengals/Giants game on TV. Bill had worked a 24 on Thursday and had decided he would try to get some sleep. His family (Mom, step-Dad, two brothers and his brother's fiancé) had driven up and arrived not too far afterwards. Lila came in to see how things were going, and around 10pm they decided to take Bill out for dinner. By 10pm I had gone from a 1 to a 9 on the pitocin and my contractions were really picking up. My mom was shocked that I was feeling no pain and kept saying "I'm worried that this means he isn't coming down." I told her to just relax, and she kicked off her shoes and put them up on my bed.
I hear a "snap", felt what I compare to a rubber band being snapped in my uterus, and a gush. I said "ooohh" and then "I think my water just broke!" Mom said "it sure did" as a gallon of fluid poured off of the bed and onto the floor. I of course sat up and am laughing hysterically as even more fluid is rushing out of me. I also get hit with my first painful contraction. The level of the contraction was the same as my previous ones, but this one hurt. It hurt quite a bit. I started my breathing techniques as I texted Bill and let him know what happened. He hadn't even made it to the door of Chili's when he received the text. I also then had the need to pee at that exact moment, so I disconnected the monitor and walked to the bathroom dragging my IV pole as I had done once earlier that night. I was so mortified by all the fluid on the floor that during one contraction in the bathroom, I was in a full-squat, breathing and using paper towels to clean as much up as I could. Bill returned to the hospital and he and my mom attempted to help me through the pain. They both used cold washcloths on my neck and forehead as I sat on the edge of the bed. I tried to focus on my breathing and I moved as much as I possibly could to help myself through each contraction. I continued to lose fluid with each contraction that came and the new delivery nurse (there was a shift change just after the pitocin was started) mentioned never having seen so much fluid in her career. I did get short with Bill and my mom (some "don't touch me"s and "get off my IV"s and "don't move my puke basin"s were said) but overall I kept it as cool and calm as I could.
Until I just couldn't anymore.
Around 11:30pm, I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced. My breathing wasn't working anymore. My contractions were hard and fast, not a lot of time in between. I moaned, hummed, grunted and moved through as many as I could and I simply couldn't do it anymore. I begged for relief. I begged for an epidural. I didn't want to discuss any other med option. I simply wanted to be able to get through another contraction. I was exhausted, I was STILL losing fluid and I had thrown up. No movement was helping and the pitocin was still being pumped into my system, keeping the contractions relentless. At one point the delivery nurse told me to "Go to your happy place." I took deep breath and then moaned the words "there is no happy place anymore." Another breath in and then I said "My happy place will come when I can't feel this anymore." Another breath. "Please someone help me." Dr. Chu came around midnight and checked me and I was a full 6cm dilated. He called in the anesthesiologist and the epidural was administered. (I may have proposed to the man. I know I definitely called him my favorite person in the world.) The last contraction I remember feeling began during the swabbing of my back for the epidural. I remember starting to breathe and moan through it, then nothing. Finally I had relief.
I positioned myself in the bed, turned to Bill and said "I suck." He reassured me that I didn't suck, but did say he would never let me live this moment down. Especially since I had said "any future children are planned c-sections" during one contraction. I was spent, and was hoping to get some sleep before it was time to push.
Something no one tells you when you're pregnant is that sleeping in the hospital is nearly impossible. Between nurses, doctors and visitors, you will be woken up every single time you begin to drift. This happened in the delivery room when one of Bill's brothers came to see how things were going, but I ended up falling asleep while he was in the room.
Dr. Chu returned around 2:30am (woke me up after having just fallen asleep...) to check me. I was fully dilated and 100% effaced. He told me he would be turning off the epidural so I could begin to feel the contractions again and work with them to push. He said he would be back in 25 minutes to see where we were and to try a practice push so I knew what to do. 25 minutes rolled around, he directed me on how he wanted me to push and said "try a practice push!" I inhaled, pushed and I hear "wow! I see the head!" He told me I could reach down and feel Vaughn which I did, and I knew it wouldn't be long until he was out. Waiting to feel the pressure of the contraction was the most time consuming part of this process, as it was less than 3 minutes of actual pushing before he was laying on my stomach. On the final round of pushing, Dr. Chu was counting and then I hear "hold on, hold on, hold on!!" Needless to say I couldn't, and he managed to catch Vaughn just in time. 3:03am was the moment my son was born. Definitely a moment I will never forget.
We delayed the cord clamping, Bill cut the cord and I was able to have my skin-to-skin time with my boy. I had to be stitched as I had two tears (one was a first degree, the other a third) but the entire time Dr. Chu was working on me he was talking about what a good pusher I was.
When I was decent and had been able to feed the baby, Bill's family came in to meet the baby. They stayed for about a half an hour and then made the trip back to Jersey. By that time it was just about 5am.
My nurse returned and Bill and Vaughn headed to the nursery for a bath and his tests. Due to him being a large birthweight baby (9lbs 0.8oz) they would monitor his sugar for 24 hours, as some babies have trouble processing sugars. I was assisted to the bathroom before being transported to the recovery wing. That's when things got a little hairy.
I was sitting there filling my peri bottle when instantly my head started pounding, I had a deafening ringing in the ears and I was going to pass out. My nurse commented on how I looked and went and retrieved another nurse for assistance. I had evidently lost a lot of blood during delivery, so they decided to monitor me in the delivery room for a little while longer. My last blood pressure reading in that room was 100/61.
I eventually was wheeled into the recovery wing where I was lucky enough to see Bill assisting with Vaughn's first bath. That is when I cried. I hadn't cried during labor, I didn't cry when I held him. I cried seeing the start of my new family routine. I cried seeing the love that Bill had for our son. I cried seeing Vaughn separated from me for the first time.
The rest of our hospital stay was a whirlwind of BP checks, visitors, attempts to sleep, the best damn roast beef sub I could have eaten (I had wanted one for months while pregnant), and Bill's love and support the entire time. It was also full of a lot of "are you sure you don't need any mess for your stitches?" and "Wow! Did the tattoo on your foot hurt?" No mess and no, no pain for the tattoo. :-)
My original birth plan had to be altered. Had pitocin not been given, had induction not been necessary, perhaps I would have made it natural. I made it to 6cm with nothing and maybe I could have made it further. I honestly don't know. I kept an open mind despite what my wishes were and that's all any mother can do. Preferences can be altered, ideas can suddenly be tossed out the window and having a child is just the beginning of "flying by the seat of your pants." I mean, who would have known that going in for a routine check the day before my due date would have meant being admitted? We certainly didn't!
A little back info:
My doctor, Dr. Jen Shamah doesn't deliver, but I've worked with her for years and completely trust her so I continued to see her through the majority of my pregnancy. In my third trimester we decided to meet delivering OBs, including Dr. Chu (our favorite), Dr. Cohen (who delivered me) and Dr. Todd.
On Friday, August 14th, Bill and I headed to our 39+6 prenatal appointment, complete with another non-stress test. We had this appointment scheduled with Dr. Todd, and this would be the first time meeting her. The nurse who hooked us up was amazing and as this was our second non-stress test, we just relaxed and began. When Dr. Todd finally came in, she was very abrasive and said "WOW! Your stomach is so big! How much weight have you gained this pregnancy?" I had only gained 23 pounds total and she instantly said "I'm surprised and now very concerned. That is a 10lb baby. We cannot allow you to deliver vaginally. There are too many risks with a baby that size. He could get stuck. He could end up with shoulder dysplasia and a palsy. He could grow out of this, or he could have restricted movement of his arms. His head is also really high. Did you see how far I had to go to check you? His head will not fit. This is a sign of that. I am going to send you to Dr. Kaminsky for an ultrasound to size that baby. Come back to me when you're done."
Dr. Kaminsky is a maternal fetal medicine specialist and someone I had seen several times. Due to Vaughn measuring large, his kidneys measuring slightly large and a scare about debris or a bubble in his stomach, we had multiple ultrasounds to keep an eye on things. His stomach turned out to be just fine but throughout the pregnancy he continued to measure large and I continued to show an excess of amniotic fluid. They had originally talked about induction around 37 weeks because of the fluid and his size, but due to passing my first non-stress test and being in great health, they decided this would not be necessary.
I have the ultrasound done, Vaughn measures at 9lbs 11oz and Dr. Kaminsky meets with me to discuss delivery options. I of course was quite upset by Dr. Todd's approach and the idea that I would have to have a c-section simply because my baby was large. Dr. Kaminsky talked to Bill and I about how the baby wasn't so large that she would say a c-section was absolute, but that there were risks either way and we needed to weigh both options.
I sat in the waiting room of Dr. Todd's office after that and cried until she called us in.
Dr. Todd met with Bill and I in her office and said that she was admitting us to the hospital because of my blood pressure being 120/90 and that I wasn't leaving without a baby. She went over the risks of having a vaginal delivery with me and then told me that Dr. Chu was on-call and at the hospital so she needed to let him know what our choice was. I told her to let him know that I would discuss it all with him when I got there.
If she thought my blood pressure was high at 120/90, it's a good thing she hadn't taken my pressure at that moment. I'm sure it was nearing stroke level.
Bill and I head over to the birthing center (thankfully my hospital bag had been packed and in the car for about a month) and check in. I made my phone-calls and headed up to the sixth floor where we would be shown to our delivery room.
Mom arrives, I am given my gown and the first delivery nurse hooks me up to the fetal monitor. This was not what I wanted. I wanted to move around, do what I needed to do through my labor to get through each contraction. Now, that was no longer an option. Dr. Chu came in and spoke with me about my options. He did let me know that with a large baby there were risks, and in the past he has had to break a collar-bone if a baby has become stuck and there's no time for a c-section. He told us that there were risks with a c-section as well, but whatever we would decide he would stand behind, as he would not pressure us either way. He left to give me some time to think about it, and Bill and I discussed our option. I actually asked him what he thought I should do. I kept saying "if I break my baby I'll never live with myself but if I have a c-section when I could have delivered vaginally, I'm going to be pissed." The nurse told us "in my years of doing this, if a baby isn't going to fit, your body will typically show you signs before it gets too dangerous. You may not dilate because of lack of pressure. If you really want to try vaginal birth, try it. Emergency c-sections are done for just that, an emergency." Bill told me to go with what I had wanted, and so we decided on a vaginal birth.
Dr. Chu came back in, we told him we had decided on a vaginal birth and so he directed the nurse to start pitocin. Another thing I had hoped to avoid during my pregnancy. They wouldn't rupture my membranes due to the baby being high and the risk for the cord to descend first, and he didn't think that other techniques would get things to where they needed to be. Okay...pitocin it is. Throughout the non-stress test earlier that day as well as all of the discussion since being hooked to the monitors, I was seeing contractions grow and gain intensity. No pain, some pressure, nothing that I hadn't experienced before. Around 8pm I started the pitocin and relaxed and watched the Bengals/Giants game on TV. Bill had worked a 24 on Thursday and had decided he would try to get some sleep. His family (Mom, step-Dad, two brothers and his brother's fiancé) had driven up and arrived not too far afterwards. Lila came in to see how things were going, and around 10pm they decided to take Bill out for dinner. By 10pm I had gone from a 1 to a 9 on the pitocin and my contractions were really picking up. My mom was shocked that I was feeling no pain and kept saying "I'm worried that this means he isn't coming down." I told her to just relax, and she kicked off her shoes and put them up on my bed.
I hear a "snap", felt what I compare to a rubber band being snapped in my uterus, and a gush. I said "ooohh" and then "I think my water just broke!" Mom said "it sure did" as a gallon of fluid poured off of the bed and onto the floor. I of course sat up and am laughing hysterically as even more fluid is rushing out of me. I also get hit with my first painful contraction. The level of the contraction was the same as my previous ones, but this one hurt. It hurt quite a bit. I started my breathing techniques as I texted Bill and let him know what happened. He hadn't even made it to the door of Chili's when he received the text. I also then had the need to pee at that exact moment, so I disconnected the monitor and walked to the bathroom dragging my IV pole as I had done once earlier that night. I was so mortified by all the fluid on the floor that during one contraction in the bathroom, I was in a full-squat, breathing and using paper towels to clean as much up as I could. Bill returned to the hospital and he and my mom attempted to help me through the pain. They both used cold washcloths on my neck and forehead as I sat on the edge of the bed. I tried to focus on my breathing and I moved as much as I possibly could to help myself through each contraction. I continued to lose fluid with each contraction that came and the new delivery nurse (there was a shift change just after the pitocin was started) mentioned never having seen so much fluid in her career. I did get short with Bill and my mom (some "don't touch me"s and "get off my IV"s and "don't move my puke basin"s were said) but overall I kept it as cool and calm as I could.
Until I just couldn't anymore.
Around 11:30pm, I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced. My breathing wasn't working anymore. My contractions were hard and fast, not a lot of time in between. I moaned, hummed, grunted and moved through as many as I could and I simply couldn't do it anymore. I begged for relief. I begged for an epidural. I didn't want to discuss any other med option. I simply wanted to be able to get through another contraction. I was exhausted, I was STILL losing fluid and I had thrown up. No movement was helping and the pitocin was still being pumped into my system, keeping the contractions relentless. At one point the delivery nurse told me to "Go to your happy place." I took deep breath and then moaned the words "there is no happy place anymore." Another breath in and then I said "My happy place will come when I can't feel this anymore." Another breath. "Please someone help me." Dr. Chu came around midnight and checked me and I was a full 6cm dilated. He called in the anesthesiologist and the epidural was administered. (I may have proposed to the man. I know I definitely called him my favorite person in the world.) The last contraction I remember feeling began during the swabbing of my back for the epidural. I remember starting to breathe and moan through it, then nothing. Finally I had relief.
I positioned myself in the bed, turned to Bill and said "I suck." He reassured me that I didn't suck, but did say he would never let me live this moment down. Especially since I had said "any future children are planned c-sections" during one contraction. I was spent, and was hoping to get some sleep before it was time to push.
Something no one tells you when you're pregnant is that sleeping in the hospital is nearly impossible. Between nurses, doctors and visitors, you will be woken up every single time you begin to drift. This happened in the delivery room when one of Bill's brothers came to see how things were going, but I ended up falling asleep while he was in the room.
Dr. Chu returned around 2:30am (woke me up after having just fallen asleep...) to check me. I was fully dilated and 100% effaced. He told me he would be turning off the epidural so I could begin to feel the contractions again and work with them to push. He said he would be back in 25 minutes to see where we were and to try a practice push so I knew what to do. 25 minutes rolled around, he directed me on how he wanted me to push and said "try a practice push!" I inhaled, pushed and I hear "wow! I see the head!" He told me I could reach down and feel Vaughn which I did, and I knew it wouldn't be long until he was out. Waiting to feel the pressure of the contraction was the most time consuming part of this process, as it was less than 3 minutes of actual pushing before he was laying on my stomach. On the final round of pushing, Dr. Chu was counting and then I hear "hold on, hold on, hold on!!" Needless to say I couldn't, and he managed to catch Vaughn just in time. 3:03am was the moment my son was born. Definitely a moment I will never forget.
We delayed the cord clamping, Bill cut the cord and I was able to have my skin-to-skin time with my boy. I had to be stitched as I had two tears (one was a first degree, the other a third) but the entire time Dr. Chu was working on me he was talking about what a good pusher I was.
When I was decent and had been able to feed the baby, Bill's family came in to meet the baby. They stayed for about a half an hour and then made the trip back to Jersey. By that time it was just about 5am.
My nurse returned and Bill and Vaughn headed to the nursery for a bath and his tests. Due to him being a large birthweight baby (9lbs 0.8oz) they would monitor his sugar for 24 hours, as some babies have trouble processing sugars. I was assisted to the bathroom before being transported to the recovery wing. That's when things got a little hairy.
I was sitting there filling my peri bottle when instantly my head started pounding, I had a deafening ringing in the ears and I was going to pass out. My nurse commented on how I looked and went and retrieved another nurse for assistance. I had evidently lost a lot of blood during delivery, so they decided to monitor me in the delivery room for a little while longer. My last blood pressure reading in that room was 100/61.
I eventually was wheeled into the recovery wing where I was lucky enough to see Bill assisting with Vaughn's first bath. That is when I cried. I hadn't cried during labor, I didn't cry when I held him. I cried seeing the start of my new family routine. I cried seeing the love that Bill had for our son. I cried seeing Vaughn separated from me for the first time.
The rest of our hospital stay was a whirlwind of BP checks, visitors, attempts to sleep, the best damn roast beef sub I could have eaten (I had wanted one for months while pregnant), and Bill's love and support the entire time. It was also full of a lot of "are you sure you don't need any mess for your stitches?" and "Wow! Did the tattoo on your foot hurt?" No mess and no, no pain for the tattoo. :-)
My original birth plan had to be altered. Had pitocin not been given, had induction not been necessary, perhaps I would have made it natural. I made it to 6cm with nothing and maybe I could have made it further. I honestly don't know. I kept an open mind despite what my wishes were and that's all any mother can do. Preferences can be altered, ideas can suddenly be tossed out the window and having a child is just the beginning of "flying by the seat of your pants." I mean, who would have known that going in for a routine check the day before my due date would have meant being admitted? We certainly didn't!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Idiot Summer
With the start of the new school year, I figured I should probably recap/discuss/whine about the summer of 2012.
Let me start by saying I do believe this was my busiest summer to date. I've never scheduled so many things in one brief period of time, but I certainly wouldn't change it.
Men of the summer:
This summer has been the summer of dating for me. The firefighter and I are very much over, yet still have remained friends. We talk occasionally but there is no desire on my part to be with him again. No attraction, no sexual tension calling me back to him. Maybe it's because we haven't seen one another in ages, or maybe it's because I've been dating more and have experienced more in the land of the male companion. I dated a guy who was a realtor for a brief period of time. He was tall, handsome, successful and over an hour away. Our schedule conflicts and the distance made it impossible for anything to develop between us. Guy #2 works with emotionally disturbed kids. He also has a second job in a grocery store. His only day off is Monday and so in turn we hardly saw one another. We had great chemistry and get along beautifully when we are together. It's just a shame it can't happen more often. Guy #3, Mr. railroad. He works for a railroad company, moved down this way for work. Our chemistry is off the charts. We get along amazingly, our dates have been fantastic, we have so much in common. His kissing style is one that takes my breath away. He sadly, spends his entire weekends back at home 4 hours away. Very limited time to see him. Perhaps when bass fishing season (he competes) is over he will be around more. Guy #4...The Correctional officer...well, he needs his own paragraph.
#4 and I started talking via the POF website. He had messaged me and I actually debated whether or not I would give him a shot before messaging him back. His profile wasn't very detailed and his primary picture wasn't the most wonderful. I decided to give him a shot because he was local. Less than 20 minutes from me. We started talking and talked for nearly 24 straight hours. We found we had so much in common and our conversation was never lacking. He had invited me to come to jam night (a Tuesday night tradition over the summers) with his friends but I was feeling under the weather so I declined. He continued to talk to me throughout the night, making sure I was feeling okay and even sending me a video of the fun. We decided to schedule our first date for the following day. We met for breakfast and ended up spending the entire day together. Breakfast turned into spending time watching tv at his place, which led to Kan Jam and beers at his friend's house which then turned into the Stone Temple Pilot's concert at Bethel. I stayed with him that night, woke up and had to get my car keys from his friend's house, went home to shower and play with Coda then came back to hang out with him and his friends. I didn't leave to go home until nearly 11:00 that night. #4's job schedule is nice; two days on, four days off. Plenty of time to hang out. He went to work, I enjoyed time with family. Sunday of that week I ran a 5k in Brooklyn and then had the Jason Aldean concert to attend at Bethel. #4 was coming with me to the concert. He met me at my house and played with Coda while I showered and changed. He's not a country music fan, but had an enjoyable time and was fun to be with at the show. He stayed over that night. Monday he left to help a friend and I did some cleaning. We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday night after leaving his friend's house I ended up with a flat tire. I changed the tire and managed to lose my phone by driving away while it was still on the roof of my car. He helped me search in the dark for hours for my phone that night. We didn't find it so he made me stay at his place as my other tire was ready to blow and I had no phone. He arranged to get my car fixed by a friend of his and helped me locate my phone the following morning. (It had been run over by a car.) he loaned me his car so I could get home and shower then try and figure out a phone situation. He was beyond helpful and sweet. Things were great. I enjoyed my time with him as well as my time with his friends. They all seem to have accepted me into their group and I felt welcomed and at peace around them. Thursday I spent time at his friend's house by invitation despite his being at work. Friday night was the kick-off of the three-day labor day camping party palooza. Three days of drinking, bonfires, camping and just having a good time. I arrived and was having a good time prior to #4 getting off of work. Things were strange with him. He seemed irritated and was very short with me. There was some drama that night around the two of us which I believed we had resolved. I stayed at his place that night and left him the following morning with no issues. Saw him Saturday after I returned from a different party and things were odd again. saw him Sunday and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Monday he became upset with me again after I didn't hug him goodbye. We talked Monday after we went home and now we are "just friends." What happened? I've never experienced so much good in such a small amount of time and have also never seen things turn sour so quickly. We talk, joke and carry on as usual. I guess we will see what time has to offer. I can't pretend that i am not sad about this, but there isn't much i can do In the meantime, I'm so thankful that he has introduced me to his friends. I have made some awesome new friends through him and I'm enjoying their company more than you could imagine.
Events:
Concerts that I attended this summer include:
Zac Brown Band
Lady Antebellum with Thompson Squared and Darrius Rucker
Summerland Tour (Marcy Playground, Lit, Gin Blossoms, Sugar Ray and Everclear)
Stone Temple Pilots
Jason Aldean with Luke Bryan
I was supposed to go to Brad Paisley but was suffering from headaches/migraines at the time so had to skip it. The concerts were so much fun and I had a good time at all of them. cannot wait to see who will be coming to Bethel next year!
On top of the concerts, I attended a number of parties and ran my first 5k. I had such a blast at the color run with Jamie. I fully intend on doing it again next year. I'm running the color me rad 5k in two weeks and that will officially close out my summer activities. I have a wedding of a friend and co-worker to go to tomorrow. Very much looking forward to that.
I'm going to end it here. Too much rambling.
Let me start by saying I do believe this was my busiest summer to date. I've never scheduled so many things in one brief period of time, but I certainly wouldn't change it.
Men of the summer:
This summer has been the summer of dating for me. The firefighter and I are very much over, yet still have remained friends. We talk occasionally but there is no desire on my part to be with him again. No attraction, no sexual tension calling me back to him. Maybe it's because we haven't seen one another in ages, or maybe it's because I've been dating more and have experienced more in the land of the male companion. I dated a guy who was a realtor for a brief period of time. He was tall, handsome, successful and over an hour away. Our schedule conflicts and the distance made it impossible for anything to develop between us. Guy #2 works with emotionally disturbed kids. He also has a second job in a grocery store. His only day off is Monday and so in turn we hardly saw one another. We had great chemistry and get along beautifully when we are together. It's just a shame it can't happen more often. Guy #3, Mr. railroad. He works for a railroad company, moved down this way for work. Our chemistry is off the charts. We get along amazingly, our dates have been fantastic, we have so much in common. His kissing style is one that takes my breath away. He sadly, spends his entire weekends back at home 4 hours away. Very limited time to see him. Perhaps when bass fishing season (he competes) is over he will be around more. Guy #4...The Correctional officer...well, he needs his own paragraph.
#4 and I started talking via the POF website. He had messaged me and I actually debated whether or not I would give him a shot before messaging him back. His profile wasn't very detailed and his primary picture wasn't the most wonderful. I decided to give him a shot because he was local. Less than 20 minutes from me. We started talking and talked for nearly 24 straight hours. We found we had so much in common and our conversation was never lacking. He had invited me to come to jam night (a Tuesday night tradition over the summers) with his friends but I was feeling under the weather so I declined. He continued to talk to me throughout the night, making sure I was feeling okay and even sending me a video of the fun. We decided to schedule our first date for the following day. We met for breakfast and ended up spending the entire day together. Breakfast turned into spending time watching tv at his place, which led to Kan Jam and beers at his friend's house which then turned into the Stone Temple Pilot's concert at Bethel. I stayed with him that night, woke up and had to get my car keys from his friend's house, went home to shower and play with Coda then came back to hang out with him and his friends. I didn't leave to go home until nearly 11:00 that night. #4's job schedule is nice; two days on, four days off. Plenty of time to hang out. He went to work, I enjoyed time with family. Sunday of that week I ran a 5k in Brooklyn and then had the Jason Aldean concert to attend at Bethel. #4 was coming with me to the concert. He met me at my house and played with Coda while I showered and changed. He's not a country music fan, but had an enjoyable time and was fun to be with at the show. He stayed over that night. Monday he left to help a friend and I did some cleaning. We saw each other Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday night after leaving his friend's house I ended up with a flat tire. I changed the tire and managed to lose my phone by driving away while it was still on the roof of my car. He helped me search in the dark for hours for my phone that night. We didn't find it so he made me stay at his place as my other tire was ready to blow and I had no phone. He arranged to get my car fixed by a friend of his and helped me locate my phone the following morning. (It had been run over by a car.) he loaned me his car so I could get home and shower then try and figure out a phone situation. He was beyond helpful and sweet. Things were great. I enjoyed my time with him as well as my time with his friends. They all seem to have accepted me into their group and I felt welcomed and at peace around them. Thursday I spent time at his friend's house by invitation despite his being at work. Friday night was the kick-off of the three-day labor day camping party palooza. Three days of drinking, bonfires, camping and just having a good time. I arrived and was having a good time prior to #4 getting off of work. Things were strange with him. He seemed irritated and was very short with me. There was some drama that night around the two of us which I believed we had resolved. I stayed at his place that night and left him the following morning with no issues. Saw him Saturday after I returned from a different party and things were odd again. saw him Sunday and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Monday he became upset with me again after I didn't hug him goodbye. We talked Monday after we went home and now we are "just friends." What happened? I've never experienced so much good in such a small amount of time and have also never seen things turn sour so quickly. We talk, joke and carry on as usual. I guess we will see what time has to offer. I can't pretend that i am not sad about this, but there isn't much i can do In the meantime, I'm so thankful that he has introduced me to his friends. I have made some awesome new friends through him and I'm enjoying their company more than you could imagine.
Events:
Concerts that I attended this summer include:
Zac Brown Band
Lady Antebellum with Thompson Squared and Darrius Rucker
Summerland Tour (Marcy Playground, Lit, Gin Blossoms, Sugar Ray and Everclear)
Stone Temple Pilots
Jason Aldean with Luke Bryan
I was supposed to go to Brad Paisley but was suffering from headaches/migraines at the time so had to skip it. The concerts were so much fun and I had a good time at all of them. cannot wait to see who will be coming to Bethel next year!
On top of the concerts, I attended a number of parties and ran my first 5k. I had such a blast at the color run with Jamie. I fully intend on doing it again next year. I'm running the color me rad 5k in two weeks and that will officially close out my summer activities. I have a wedding of a friend and co-worker to go to tomorrow. Very much looking forward to that.
I'm going to end it here. Too much rambling.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The 7th wheel
I'm never the type of woman to feel out-of-place being single. I'm confidant enough to eat alone while out and about, have seen movies alone and have gone shopping solo. I've never been in a situation where I've felt like the odd woman out in a group of people until my trip to Lake George with my friends.
Let me preface this by saying in no way did they make me feel this way. This was solely an internal awkwardness that I was feeling. It was my own mind putting this pressure on me.
Yesterday I went to Great Escape with Jamie and her husband Derek, Derek's brother Jeremy and his wife Natalie and Jamie's brother Johnny and his wife Zoryida. They are all people I get along and hang out with frequently. An incredible group of individuals that I have growing friendships with. I wouldn't change that for anything. The thing I'd change? Rides being built for six. Can't they be built for eight? We were constantly having to split up the group because I was the odd duck. The one who didn't "fit". When it came to the roller coasters, not everyone participated so that wasn't so awkward. It was the group rides that made me feel as though it would have been easier if I had someone with me or hadn't tagged along. The day overall was a wild success and we had a great time. Spent all day in the park, had the best ice cream in the state of New York (Martha's Dandee Cream) and enjoyed an amazing sushi dinner. Of course now my head is full of "you need to be a part of a twosome" thoughts that I just can't shake. Where did this independent woman's spirit disappear to?
I've been dating quite a bit recently, but up until yesterday I haven't been wanting to rush into a relationship. Have had the "fun summer, if it turns into anything then so-be-it" mentality. The date (first date for us) I experienced this Wednesday was the best date I've ever been on. Perhaps that subconsciously snuck up on me and planted the singleton-inferiority idea in my brain. I admitted to Trista that I was smitten with this particular person, which is not something I will openly admit so soon. I do not ever want to be caught with all of my eggs in one basket, if you will. I can't stand allowing myself to become so wrapped up with a person and situation that I'm crushed if things don't work out. I am a sub-species of modern women who do not wear their emotions on their sleeves and will not admit to heartache freely. It is simply not me.
Anyway, this post has now turned into ramblings so I am going to end here. Perhaps I'll be back when my thoughts are a bit more of a cohesive unit.
Let me preface this by saying in no way did they make me feel this way. This was solely an internal awkwardness that I was feeling. It was my own mind putting this pressure on me.
Yesterday I went to Great Escape with Jamie and her husband Derek, Derek's brother Jeremy and his wife Natalie and Jamie's brother Johnny and his wife Zoryida. They are all people I get along and hang out with frequently. An incredible group of individuals that I have growing friendships with. I wouldn't change that for anything. The thing I'd change? Rides being built for six. Can't they be built for eight? We were constantly having to split up the group because I was the odd duck. The one who didn't "fit". When it came to the roller coasters, not everyone participated so that wasn't so awkward. It was the group rides that made me feel as though it would have been easier if I had someone with me or hadn't tagged along. The day overall was a wild success and we had a great time. Spent all day in the park, had the best ice cream in the state of New York (Martha's Dandee Cream) and enjoyed an amazing sushi dinner. Of course now my head is full of "you need to be a part of a twosome" thoughts that I just can't shake. Where did this independent woman's spirit disappear to?
I've been dating quite a bit recently, but up until yesterday I haven't been wanting to rush into a relationship. Have had the "fun summer, if it turns into anything then so-be-it" mentality. The date (first date for us) I experienced this Wednesday was the best date I've ever been on. Perhaps that subconsciously snuck up on me and planted the singleton-inferiority idea in my brain. I admitted to Trista that I was smitten with this particular person, which is not something I will openly admit so soon. I do not ever want to be caught with all of my eggs in one basket, if you will. I can't stand allowing myself to become so wrapped up with a person and situation that I'm crushed if things don't work out. I am a sub-species of modern women who do not wear their emotions on their sleeves and will not admit to heartache freely. It is simply not me.
Anyway, this post has now turned into ramblings so I am going to end here. Perhaps I'll be back when my thoughts are a bit more of a cohesive unit.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
New
Follow a side project of mine:
Femmedooke.blogspot.com
(Side note: a blog from the new project ended up here. It has been removed and all comments should be made on the new blog. Thanks!)
-Jess
Femmedooke.blogspot.com
(Side note: a blog from the new project ended up here. It has been removed and all comments should be made on the new blog. Thanks!)
-Jess
Monday, April 9, 2012
It has been quite awhile
Wow, it has been months since I've blogged. Looking back over the bullets from the new year, I've realized that already much had happened. I don't have the time or effort to get into it all in detail, so I will write about a few things so as to purge my mind of them for now. Hopefully you'll be able to tolerate it...haha
The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.
The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.
Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.
I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol
The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.
I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
-Jess
The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.
The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.
Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.
I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol
The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.
I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
-Jess
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Recap
I stole the bullet idea from a friend, but here is 2011 in a nut shell:
- I have lost 33 lbs since April of 2011.
- I finally managed to be fully treated for PCOS, a condition I've been living with for 11 years.
- I continue to work a job that I feel good about.
- I still have not seen a pay raise at said job.
- I have cultivated new friendships and continued those that are important.
- I have witnessed my extended family fall apart.
- I have begun running, and despite my improvements, I still do not enjoy it.
- I have fallen in love, even though I don't readily admit it.
- I have seriously contemplated having my own children in my life.
- I have lost loved ones.
- I have learned to appreciate the person I have grown to be, flaws and all.
What I hope for in 2012:
- A better sense of financial security.
- Continued Weight loss
- My relationship with the firefighter to continue to grow strong and stable.
- New experiences and fond memories.
- Family unity, however it may happen.
- Continued strength in my friendships.
- Love myself no matter what. :-)
-Jess
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Goodbye 2011
I'm not one to usually make resolutions, as I think it's silly for someone to promise to do something just because a new year has begun. I will, however, say that I've decided on a lifestyle change that will begin once I head back to work.
No more ordering French fries with everything. Once a month is all I get.
Yes, they are my weakness. My favorite food essentially. Pretty much the major awful food source left in my diet. Yes, sometimes I splurge, but for the most part I eat well. I also really need to get back in the habit of carrying my water jug around with me. I feel as though I've not been getting enough water lately.
There ya go, my "resolution" if you will.
I will say, I did experience something pretty awesome in 2011; I analyzed my own behavior and figured out why I was doing the things I was doing. This may seem ridiculous to some, but I've always been the type to listen to/analyze behavior/give advice to all of my friends in need. Ask me to do it to myself and I draw a huge blank. I've never been able to. I recently figured out that I've been making something small into a big deal with the firefighter because I'm afraid of what I feel for him. I've been crushed in the past by the man I felt this way about previously (Luke) and because of that I'm not ready to fully admit that I'm in love. I know if I don't admit it and fight it I might miss out on something really wonderful. I'm just afraid of being hurt. I'm in love with and 100% adore his son and the thought of walking away from him is devastating. Maybe that's why I'm being so cautious. Again, I'm thankful to Trista for hearing me out and dealing with my craziness. On the up side of the relationship, I met the firefighter's parents. That was pretty wonderful. His parents seem like wonderful people and they seemed to like me. His mom bought me a Grieg CD because he was a Norwegian (Scandinavian?) composer that she really enjoys and she wanted me to have him in my collection. Beyond sweet. Apparently when they visited his brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving, I was brought up and good things were said. I'm thankful that his family has accepted me. :-)
Tonight will be filled with good company, food and board games, so I'm very much looking forward to bringing in 2012. To my (2) readers, thank you for sticking with me for another year. Let's see what IT will bring. :-)
-Jess
Monday, December 5, 2011
Control
Okay okay, I'm a control freak. The first step to recovery and change is admitting your problem, right? I am not a control freak in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to my feelings and the way that I act/react/process/live daily I like to have total control. I like to be able to say "I am angry, and I'm going to walk away" or make the decision to fly off the handle and make with the screaming. I've always been good about holding back tears when it's not an appropriate time/place for them and have always been someone who could mask her supreme joy if necessary. (Well, aside from Trista, no one could tell just how I'm feeling. She's got this crazy ability to read me instantly!) I feel as though lately I've lost control of myself and it terrifies me. I can't hold the smile back when the phone rings. When I see the two-year old my heart visibly pours out. I feel as though if you were to see me interacting with the firefighter and his son, my eyes would be sending the message loud and clear. Nothing hidden. This is what worries me. I want to decide when to send the message. When to allow people to see what's really going on inside of my heart. What my brain is trying to rationalize away. What I'm trying to avoid. Yes, I said it, avoid. I'm terrified of the feelings that really exist, as the last time I was certain I was feeling them, my heart was crushed. (Luke) The control freak inside of me doesn't want to open up to the possibility of that happening again, yet I'm fully aware that without allowing that possibility I'm cutting myself off from the possibility that my heart will not be broken. There is a possibility that my heart, instead, would be free to experience something so beautiful. Risks vs benefits. I decided to be brave (in the wimpiest sense of the word...ha!) and write a little of how I'm feeling in his Christmas card. Granted, I didn't use THE word, and I'm not sure when he'll actually read it, (it's on his gift which I intend to give in person) but I did it. We shall see how it all turns out.
I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.
Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?
Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)
Until the next post. Wish me luck!
-Jess
I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.
Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?
Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)
Until the next post. Wish me luck!
-Jess
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Oh boy
I think I've lost my mind. We all have things in life we hate doing. For me that list would include hand-washing dishes, driving in traffic with people who obviously should have been denied a license and running. Dishes and stupid drivers really can't be avoided but running can be. Why then, I ask, am I pushing myself to run? The answer is simple: If I hate something so much why not push through it? I've always been one to give myself goals, push myself further and work harder than I should. I decided to revisit the couch to 5k program I had started ions ago (and gave up on during day 2) and gave myself the goal of "completing a 5k before my birthday". I've been working hard and my stamina has greatly improved. I still do not enjoy the act of running, but I hate it a little less each day.
Okay, so giving myself more than a half a year was pretty wise of me. It gives me plenty of time to get into the right running shape and do my best, right? Why in the hell am I now considering registering for a 5k at the end of this month (Oct 30th)? I'm clinically insane. That the only reason. So, I've amped up my running and have given myself until the deadline (Oct 23rd) to decide if it's going to happen or not. I'm aware I can walk part of it, but if I'm going to do it I want to do it well.
Life outside of the running challenge has been good. I'm 33lbs down since April, which also puts me at 3 pounds until my lightest post-puberty weight. It's nice to be five sizes down since my final year at Stetson, and it's even nicer to see that some of the things I have in my new size are a little loose in areas as well. I could be on my way to my smallest size ever. It's nice to see my hard work paying off.
I don't remember the numbers that I had assigned the guys I had been talking to from the dating site, but the firefighter with the two-year-old son is the winner. We have been spending a good deal of time together, our friendship grows a little each day and I'm completely in love with his son. We will see how things develop. I know I'm interested to see how things happen.
Babies! Holy cow they are everywhere. Co-workers and old friends seem to be popping them out at record speed. I can't say that I'm turned off by the thought of kids, as I want to be a mother in my lifetime. I can't say that the thought of having babies hasn't crossed my mind because it certainly has. My body is screaming at me to have one while my brain is saying "man and money. Two important parts of baby making!" My doctor actually told me I should start having kids as my body is ready and doing all the things it needs to in order to have children. I'd like to have kids before I'm 30, but other things need to happen before then. Maybe it's because I've been spending time with the firefighter's son, which has been INCREDIBLE, but the "have a baby" feeling has been strong.
That's an update in a nutshell. Until next time.
-Jess
Okay, so giving myself more than a half a year was pretty wise of me. It gives me plenty of time to get into the right running shape and do my best, right? Why in the hell am I now considering registering for a 5k at the end of this month (Oct 30th)? I'm clinically insane. That the only reason. So, I've amped up my running and have given myself until the deadline (Oct 23rd) to decide if it's going to happen or not. I'm aware I can walk part of it, but if I'm going to do it I want to do it well.
Life outside of the running challenge has been good. I'm 33lbs down since April, which also puts me at 3 pounds until my lightest post-puberty weight. It's nice to be five sizes down since my final year at Stetson, and it's even nicer to see that some of the things I have in my new size are a little loose in areas as well. I could be on my way to my smallest size ever. It's nice to see my hard work paying off.
I don't remember the numbers that I had assigned the guys I had been talking to from the dating site, but the firefighter with the two-year-old son is the winner. We have been spending a good deal of time together, our friendship grows a little each day and I'm completely in love with his son. We will see how things develop. I know I'm interested to see how things happen.
Babies! Holy cow they are everywhere. Co-workers and old friends seem to be popping them out at record speed. I can't say that I'm turned off by the thought of kids, as I want to be a mother in my lifetime. I can't say that the thought of having babies hasn't crossed my mind because it certainly has. My body is screaming at me to have one while my brain is saying "man and money. Two important parts of baby making!" My doctor actually told me I should start having kids as my body is ready and doing all the things it needs to in order to have children. I'd like to have kids before I'm 30, but other things need to happen before then. Maybe it's because I've been spending time with the firefighter's son, which has been INCREDIBLE, but the "have a baby" feeling has been strong.
That's an update in a nutshell. Until next time.
-Jess
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Strength and weaknesses
I'm home from the hospital. I called my mother today to inform her that I'd be coming down for dinner. It certainly had been awhile since the last time I saw her. I hang up the phone and get ready to leave. I send a text and all of a sudden she is calling me again.
My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.
Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.
I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.
When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.
My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.
Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.
I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?
I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.
-Jess
My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.
Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.
I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.
When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.
My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.
Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.
I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?
I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.
-Jess
Monday, August 8, 2011
Online dating...again...
I'm telling you, it's tough out there. You pluck, shave, do your makeup just right, buy incredible shoes that make your legs look sexy and yet things still might not work out.
Guy #8 and I are still talking. Yes. Talking. Not meeting. Not seeing each other yet. To me, it's frustrating. We obviously have chemistry. He initiates all of the phone calls and half of the texts. We still have a lot to talk about and plenty in common. Why are we not dating, as the normal progression of male-female relationships would have happen? He says his job has him swamped. Now, I've known from day one that his job keeps him quite busy, however I'm from the school of thought that if you're into a girl, you find time for her. While I like (strike that, REALLY like) guy #8, I'm not getting my hopes up. If it happens, it happens. If not, there has to be someone else, right?
In the meantime, I'm still receiving messages. Let me highlight some of them for you.
Guy #9: (directly copied) i was just perhaps wondering if maybe ur georgus self would be still looking for mr.perfect??its not often a beautiful women of ur natural passion crosses paths with an average guy like me..but maybe that could all change if i may have 5 minutes of ur precious time to show u that ever guy isnt a jerk,but wants to get to know a georgus women as urself for who she really is.thanku&i hope i hear from ur beautiful self soon :)... (Guy #9 was good looking, incredible body, and also a fresh-faced 20 year old.) I replied with a simple "thanks but I'm looking for someone more my age" and thought I was done. Nope, this young tadpole replies with another novel that basically said he understands but is sad that I won't give him a chance. Sorry, kiddo.
Guy #10: OMG UR SO SEXY OMG. This is all you write? No thanks.
Guy #11:You're beautiful. I would love to get to know you. I work in the city for the FD. (Guy # 11 and I are still talking and planning a date soon.)
Guy #12: I am just move here from overseas. You pretty. Make good wife. Please reply me so I know you like be wife. I work for international relations company and teach English. Reply beautiful wife.
Okay, seriously guy #12? How many women do you think are desperate enough to accept an online proposal from someone claiming to teach a language he can barely communicate in? "Oh my, this man wants to marry me! This is my lucky day! We will have nothing in common and will have a difficult time understanding one another but this may be my only shot at finding a husband!" Wow, just typing that made me gag a little bit.
Guy #13: Want to chat? (Replied with "sure" as he's cute and local. Correspondence is slowly [read, painfully] coming along.)
Guy #14: I want to tie you up and whip you. (I want to suggest help...delete!)
Guy #15: I live close, but am looking for someone to be my girlfriend and my personal nurse. See, I have diabetes and am looking for someone to take care of me. My disease makes it hard to work. (Thanks but no thanks.)
Ah, there you have a few of my latest online dating encounters. There was an episode of Sex and the City which outlined the fact that most men are freaks. I can do nothing more than think they've all joined plenty of fish and have stumbled across my profile. Like I said, maybe things will work out with number 8, maybe they won't. Perhaps number 11 will work out. Perhaps I'll have to wait for a new set of outlandish messages before I find one semi-sane individual worthy of my time. Either way, at least it's been pretty entertaining.
-Jess
Guy #8 and I are still talking. Yes. Talking. Not meeting. Not seeing each other yet. To me, it's frustrating. We obviously have chemistry. He initiates all of the phone calls and half of the texts. We still have a lot to talk about and plenty in common. Why are we not dating, as the normal progression of male-female relationships would have happen? He says his job has him swamped. Now, I've known from day one that his job keeps him quite busy, however I'm from the school of thought that if you're into a girl, you find time for her. While I like (strike that, REALLY like) guy #8, I'm not getting my hopes up. If it happens, it happens. If not, there has to be someone else, right?
In the meantime, I'm still receiving messages. Let me highlight some of them for you.
Guy #9: (directly copied) i was just perhaps wondering if maybe ur georgus self would be still looking for mr.perfect??its not often a beautiful women of ur natural passion crosses paths with an average guy like me..but maybe that could all change if i may have 5 minutes of ur precious time to show u that ever guy isnt a jerk,but wants to get to know a georgus women as urself for who she really is.thanku&i hope i hear from ur beautiful self soon :)... (Guy #9 was good looking, incredible body, and also a fresh-faced 20 year old.) I replied with a simple "thanks but I'm looking for someone more my age" and thought I was done. Nope, this young tadpole replies with another novel that basically said he understands but is sad that I won't give him a chance. Sorry, kiddo.
Guy #10: OMG UR SO SEXY OMG. This is all you write? No thanks.
Guy #11:You're beautiful. I would love to get to know you. I work in the city for the FD. (Guy # 11 and I are still talking and planning a date soon.)
Guy #12: I am just move here from overseas. You pretty. Make good wife. Please reply me so I know you like be wife. I work for international relations company and teach English. Reply beautiful wife.
Okay, seriously guy #12? How many women do you think are desperate enough to accept an online proposal from someone claiming to teach a language he can barely communicate in? "Oh my, this man wants to marry me! This is my lucky day! We will have nothing in common and will have a difficult time understanding one another but this may be my only shot at finding a husband!" Wow, just typing that made me gag a little bit.
Guy #13: Want to chat? (Replied with "sure" as he's cute and local. Correspondence is slowly [read, painfully] coming along.)
Guy #14: I want to tie you up and whip you. (I want to suggest help...delete!)
Guy #15: I live close, but am looking for someone to be my girlfriend and my personal nurse. See, I have diabetes and am looking for someone to take care of me. My disease makes it hard to work. (Thanks but no thanks.)
Ah, there you have a few of my latest online dating encounters. There was an episode of Sex and the City which outlined the fact that most men are freaks. I can do nothing more than think they've all joined plenty of fish and have stumbled across my profile. Like I said, maybe things will work out with number 8, maybe they won't. Perhaps number 11 will work out. Perhaps I'll have to wait for a new set of outlandish messages before I find one semi-sane individual worthy of my time. Either way, at least it's been pretty entertaining.
-Jess
Friday, July 1, 2011
The truth about online dating.
Those who know me have heard stories about where I live. A tiny town in farm country, NY, which is comprised primarily of cows and conservative farmers. Not exactly the best place to find a significant other, I've turned to online dating. (People at work simply are NOT an option.)
I had turned to online dating at first because of my Aunt's persistence. I met a few guys and ended up with Jordan. After that ended, I decided to give it another go.
I updated my profile, added some new, post-zumba photos and let time do the rest. This time around I received MANY messages. This is where things get interesting.
Guy #1: "I have four cats and love them more than my family. I live alone but not really alone because my cats keep me company when I'm home!"
Guy #2: "Yo shawty, whaz hott?"
Guy #3: "I'm big into Marshall arts. My sister just had a doughter. Do any of your sisters have doughters?"
Guy #4: "I'm a manager of a rental car chain. I am close to my family and adore my baby nephew. Let's do dinner and a movie on Friday!" *calls when I'm 1/2 way there, excuse given, don't hear from him again.*
Guy #5: "I'd love to get to know you. How was your weekend?" *reply sent, haven't heard back in a month.*
Guy #6: "All I want is sex. If you're down for that hit me up. You're good looking, I'm good looking and we can just Fu*k all the time."
Guy #7: "Yeah, I participated in the Highland games this year. I loved it and hope to participate again. If you give me your number I'll give you a call sometime." *number given, no call received.*
Guy #8: "I love family. I'm at a point in my life where I want to settle down. Do you want kids? Our birthdays are two days apart? You're beautiful and I can't stop thinking about you."
Guy #8 and I are still talking, still hitting it off and hopefully things will progress nicely. We talk every day and sometimes I'll get a text from him while he's at work, just saying hi and seeing how my day is. He's kind and considerate and we have a good deal in common.
As for #s 1-7...
Weirdos. I know I'm picky, but if you continually misspell words like DAUGHTER then we simply will not work. Also, while the idea of a booty call is great, I'm looking for more.
I also did not list the men who were over the age of 50 who have messaged me. It's just ridiculous.
Online dating has allowed me to meet new people, a couple of which I have remained friends with. I'm just hoping I'll have more luck this go-round and not end up in another dead-end relationship with someone who is afraid of what's to come.
Wish me luck!
-Jess
I had turned to online dating at first because of my Aunt's persistence. I met a few guys and ended up with Jordan. After that ended, I decided to give it another go.
I updated my profile, added some new, post-zumba photos and let time do the rest. This time around I received MANY messages. This is where things get interesting.
Guy #1: "I have four cats and love them more than my family. I live alone but not really alone because my cats keep me company when I'm home!"
Guy #2: "Yo shawty, whaz hott?"
Guy #3: "I'm big into Marshall arts. My sister just had a doughter. Do any of your sisters have doughters?"
Guy #4: "I'm a manager of a rental car chain. I am close to my family and adore my baby nephew. Let's do dinner and a movie on Friday!" *calls when I'm 1/2 way there, excuse given, don't hear from him again.*
Guy #5: "I'd love to get to know you. How was your weekend?" *reply sent, haven't heard back in a month.*
Guy #6: "All I want is sex. If you're down for that hit me up. You're good looking, I'm good looking and we can just Fu*k all the time."
Guy #7: "Yeah, I participated in the Highland games this year. I loved it and hope to participate again. If you give me your number I'll give you a call sometime." *number given, no call received.*
Guy #8: "I love family. I'm at a point in my life where I want to settle down. Do you want kids? Our birthdays are two days apart? You're beautiful and I can't stop thinking about you."
Guy #8 and I are still talking, still hitting it off and hopefully things will progress nicely. We talk every day and sometimes I'll get a text from him while he's at work, just saying hi and seeing how my day is. He's kind and considerate and we have a good deal in common.
As for #s 1-7...
Weirdos. I know I'm picky, but if you continually misspell words like DAUGHTER then we simply will not work. Also, while the idea of a booty call is great, I'm looking for more.
I also did not list the men who were over the age of 50 who have messaged me. It's just ridiculous.
Online dating has allowed me to meet new people, a couple of which I have remained friends with. I'm just hoping I'll have more luck this go-round and not end up in another dead-end relationship with someone who is afraid of what's to come.
Wish me luck!
-Jess
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rock Star!
Yea, you read the title correctly. I am a rock star. Let me tell you why:
I have managed to lose 18 pounds and am down to my high school pants size. It's refreshing to put on the pair of capris I have and actually feel comfortable in them. I've been stuck at the 18 pound mark, but I'm hoping time will help shed some more.
For the most part I've been attending three Zumba classes a week and hitting the employee gym twice a week. It's definitely helped maintain my energy level and has helped to solidify a budding friendship between myself and my supervisor. She has been attending the Zumba classes with me and I have talked her into coming to the gym with me as well. I'm glad we have become such good friends. I'm actually going to prom (the one we hold for out graduating students) with her, so that should be a good time.
Work has been pretty wonderful. Changes are underway and they are all thanks in part to an anonymous letter that was submitted by yours truly. Raises are in the works and lots of opportunities to further our career are going to be offered. I'm also 20% vested in my company's retirement plan as of this year, which was nice to see.
Family relations are at an all-time-high. I've spent quite a bit of time with the Ropke side of the family lately and I love every minute. I look forward to seeing them and hate leaving!
Romantically things have been interesting. I was hit on by a co-worker but he is not really compatible with me so I had to turn him down. I was flattered, however. Jamie (my supervisor) has her eye out for a man for me. Let's see what it brings.
Anyway, quick update on life is complete. Until next time. :-)
-Jess
I have managed to lose 18 pounds and am down to my high school pants size. It's refreshing to put on the pair of capris I have and actually feel comfortable in them. I've been stuck at the 18 pound mark, but I'm hoping time will help shed some more.
For the most part I've been attending three Zumba classes a week and hitting the employee gym twice a week. It's definitely helped maintain my energy level and has helped to solidify a budding friendship between myself and my supervisor. She has been attending the Zumba classes with me and I have talked her into coming to the gym with me as well. I'm glad we have become such good friends. I'm actually going to prom (the one we hold for out graduating students) with her, so that should be a good time.
Work has been pretty wonderful. Changes are underway and they are all thanks in part to an anonymous letter that was submitted by yours truly. Raises are in the works and lots of opportunities to further our career are going to be offered. I'm also 20% vested in my company's retirement plan as of this year, which was nice to see.
Family relations are at an all-time-high. I've spent quite a bit of time with the Ropke side of the family lately and I love every minute. I look forward to seeing them and hate leaving!
Romantically things have been interesting. I was hit on by a co-worker but he is not really compatible with me so I had to turn him down. I was flattered, however. Jamie (my supervisor) has her eye out for a man for me. Let's see what it brings.
Anyway, quick update on life is complete. Until next time. :-)
-Jess
Friday, April 1, 2011
Family
Tomorrow is my baby niece Cara's christening. I'm very excited that I'm able to go, as it's affording me opportunities to meet and reconnect with family. I have never met Cara or her older brother Connor (2) and I'm excited to get to know them. I've seen pictures and videos of them both and am convinced that they are equally as cool as my older niece and nephews.
I will get to see my sister and brothers (and wonderful in-laws of various sexes) for the first time in months, and that is always a plus for me. I've been very fortunate in my relationships with my siblings. Although they are all (with the exception of my adopted sister Joanne) half-blood relation, we get along really well and genuinely care about one another. I love being in the company of such diverse and incredible people, and I'm glad to be part of their family.
I will also be seeing Joanne for the first time in two decades tomorrow. I'm not sure if she remembers me or even cares to, but I'm interested in getting to know yet another (albeit distant) sibling. I'll let you know how this goes.
While talking to my sister Heather, she mentioned that my brother Josh will be coming home (from TX) the week before Easter. The last time I saw him was 2003 for my grandfather's funeral, as we managed to miss one another by an hour the last time he visited. I'm hoping I get to visit with him a bit, but my plans with Trista come first as they have been set for months and I'm not one to change things around.
I'm very excited about tomorrow and am hoping to share lots of stories with you. :-)
-Jess
I will get to see my sister and brothers (and wonderful in-laws of various sexes) for the first time in months, and that is always a plus for me. I've been very fortunate in my relationships with my siblings. Although they are all (with the exception of my adopted sister Joanne) half-blood relation, we get along really well and genuinely care about one another. I love being in the company of such diverse and incredible people, and I'm glad to be part of their family.
I will also be seeing Joanne for the first time in two decades tomorrow. I'm not sure if she remembers me or even cares to, but I'm interested in getting to know yet another (albeit distant) sibling. I'll let you know how this goes.
While talking to my sister Heather, she mentioned that my brother Josh will be coming home (from TX) the week before Easter. The last time I saw him was 2003 for my grandfather's funeral, as we managed to miss one another by an hour the last time he visited. I'm hoping I get to visit with him a bit, but my plans with Trista come first as they have been set for months and I'm not one to change things around.
I'm very excited about tomorrow and am hoping to share lots of stories with you. :-)
-Jess
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Just for fun
What I find endlessly attractive in a man:
All of Gerard Butler...lol
Eric Bana is nice to look at too.
Yep, him too.
Man-thighs are great. (I need to marry a Scottish man!)
Man-hands. Yum!
A nice, full, well maintained beard.
It's the little things, no?
-Jess
All of Gerard Butler...lol
Eric Bana is nice to look at too.
Yep, him too.
Man-thighs are great. (I need to marry a Scottish man!)
Man-hands. Yum!
A nice, full, well maintained beard.
It's the little things, no?
-Jess
Journey to a healthier me
The past few months have been filled with doctor's appointments and some health-related worries. When I went for my yearly gynecological visit I found out that my blood pressure was through the roof. It was something like 167/93 (or possibly 163/97, both awful) and led to my doctor saying "holy crap your pressure is off the charts!" was I under stress? Of course, who isn't? It certainly was not enough stress to cause my body to react in such a way. My exam went well and we decided to end my once wonderful relationship with the nuvaring and go sans-birth control for the first time in ten years. My doctor said she wanted to see if it was the nuvaring that was causing the blood pressure spike and scheduled me for blood work and a pressure check for the following week. That one appointment really had me think about my lifestyle and the things I was doing to my body. In general I eat a well-balanced diet. I try to eat lean proteins, whole grains and limited fats. Do I splurge? Of course! When I have my period there is nothing that I want more than McDonalds fries! I just try not to splurge often. My lifestyle isn't overly sedentary. I am on my feet for at least 5 of my 7 hours at work and that isn't counting the walking/running/lifting/SCIP (ways of using your body to help contain aggressive behaviors) that I do throughout the day. I average 6000 steps a day at work. Some days are far more (the most I've logged was 13000) and some are less (on days we can't go outside because of weather it's about 3000) but I move a lot. I come home and play with coda, take him on walks when the weather is good and do some general house-related tasks before sitting down and relaxing. Why was my body not cooperating with my lifestyle? I picked up my book on PCOS and started to read again. That's when I decided to get control of my body and make it work with me. My follow-up with my gyno confirmed that the nuvaring had elevated my blood pressure. She wants me off birth control for a year before deciding if an IUD or the depo shot would be best for me. I then asked her to refer me to an endocrinologist so I could discuss my PCOS and med treatments more thoroughly. At my endocrinology appointment my blood pressure was fantastic. I brought up the use of two different drugs, both of which were okayed after some discussion, a physical and a 6 week follow-up scheduled. The one drug I am hoping works is called metformin (glucophage) and is traditionally used to treat people with type-two diabetes. I'm sure you're thinking "what does that have to do with polycystic ovaries?" According to the studies on PCOS, many women have problems with weight gain because our bodies do not process insulin correctly. Women with PCOS have a higher risk of diabetes, heart attack and stroke because of the hormone imbalances, weight gain an insulin resistance. Metformin has been prescribed to women like me who have tried to lose weight but cannot. It helps our bodies process our food better and therefore leads to less fat being stored. I've been on it for only 5 days and am only on 1/3 of my actual dosage so it's still too early to say if it's working. I have, however, started keeping track of everything I eat and all the exercise I'm doing since my first gynecology appointment, and am down 12.5 pounds. I'm still in my typical weight-loss range, and am not expecting to get to my high school weight (the thinnest I've been since puberty) easily. I've not really changed what I eat (except I am eating breakfast now) but rather how much and when I am eating. I'm trying to teach my body that smaller meals more frequently is better than no breakfast and two enormous meals. I've been doing zumba at least three times a week (this week was tough due to heat problems in the house) and have been doing some calisthenics and time with the weighted hula hoop. Here is hoping that keeping up with this lifestyle change will help my body self-correct. All I know is I'm glad it's almost hiking season. I can't wait to do some serious calorie burning on my favorite trails!
-Jess
-Jess
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Stop the whining
I have a friend from high school named Jessica. We had lost touch when I went to college but have reconnected over the years via Facebook. She has made some decisions I don't agree with (getting pregnant in high school (she lost the baby to SIDS), having three more kids with fathers who aren't around or are in jail) yet I've been listening to her troubles and I'm done.
She is currently complaining about her job situation. Jessica had worked at Winn-Dixie for a number of years and while I'm not certain why that job ended I know that since then (3 years now?) she has not had a job. She has managed to get pregnant and have another child but can't seem to find employment of any kind. She finally found a job at Lowes yet can no longer work because she can't find babysitters for her three kids. She does nothing but complain about having no money yet she is living in section 8 housing at basically no cost to her thanks to the Florida government, she and her kids receive state provided healthcare, she receives unemployment benefits and food-stamps. She has Internet and cable, food on her table every month, healthy kids and she gets to sit on her ass the whole time instead of having to work for these benefits. She essentially earns more than I do by not working.
I sometimes quip about how I'm broke but I bust my ass for my $9.50 an hour. I pay for my own healthcare because the state of NY was no help to me when I was jobless. I make exactly $1020 a month to live off of. I pay $450 a month in rent, $120 for gas (sometimes more depending on weather and prices), $110 for the cell phones for my mom and I, $20 for Netflix, $50 for car insurance because mom is nice enough to pay the rest, I have to set aside money for my electric bill that falls every other month ($50) and then I have to set aside money for propane ($100) bringing me near my total income every month. I also have had emergency expenses come up, doctor's co-pays, prescription costs and the possibility of grocery shopping factor in. I gave up Internet, cable, a house phone, my ice skating lessons and practice as well as entertainment out because I couldn't afford it. My most recent propane bill is over $700 which is going to take me forever to pay off. I need 4 new tires. I don't bitch and complain about how I'm entitled to so much more because I make what I have work. If I want a luxury, I forego groceries or find a way to make enough money to purchase it. I wanted to buy my mom something for her birthday last year so I sold my A clarinet on eBay. I've tried to receive state help but even when I was working part-time as a sub, I made too much and since I have no kids they couldn't help me. I receive $600 in heating assistance from NY in the winter yet my total winter propane costs equal about $1400. People making twice my salary receive the same benefit. There have been days I have used banked time because I didn't have enough gas in my car to get to work. I make my situation work, she needs to figure out a way to make hers work. Trista is coming up in April. I want to do things with her so I'm saving money now. I'm planning on pulling some extra hours in the residence so I can have fun over break. I am doing what I need to do. I just wish the rest of society would do the same.
Is it wrong of me to wish people receiving such benefits to shut the hell up and do something about it?
-Jess
She is currently complaining about her job situation. Jessica had worked at Winn-Dixie for a number of years and while I'm not certain why that job ended I know that since then (3 years now?) she has not had a job. She has managed to get pregnant and have another child but can't seem to find employment of any kind. She finally found a job at Lowes yet can no longer work because she can't find babysitters for her three kids. She does nothing but complain about having no money yet she is living in section 8 housing at basically no cost to her thanks to the Florida government, she and her kids receive state provided healthcare, she receives unemployment benefits and food-stamps. She has Internet and cable, food on her table every month, healthy kids and she gets to sit on her ass the whole time instead of having to work for these benefits. She essentially earns more than I do by not working.
I sometimes quip about how I'm broke but I bust my ass for my $9.50 an hour. I pay for my own healthcare because the state of NY was no help to me when I was jobless. I make exactly $1020 a month to live off of. I pay $450 a month in rent, $120 for gas (sometimes more depending on weather and prices), $110 for the cell phones for my mom and I, $20 for Netflix, $50 for car insurance because mom is nice enough to pay the rest, I have to set aside money for my electric bill that falls every other month ($50) and then I have to set aside money for propane ($100) bringing me near my total income every month. I also have had emergency expenses come up, doctor's co-pays, prescription costs and the possibility of grocery shopping factor in. I gave up Internet, cable, a house phone, my ice skating lessons and practice as well as entertainment out because I couldn't afford it. My most recent propane bill is over $700 which is going to take me forever to pay off. I need 4 new tires. I don't bitch and complain about how I'm entitled to so much more because I make what I have work. If I want a luxury, I forego groceries or find a way to make enough money to purchase it. I wanted to buy my mom something for her birthday last year so I sold my A clarinet on eBay. I've tried to receive state help but even when I was working part-time as a sub, I made too much and since I have no kids they couldn't help me. I receive $600 in heating assistance from NY in the winter yet my total winter propane costs equal about $1400. People making twice my salary receive the same benefit. There have been days I have used banked time because I didn't have enough gas in my car to get to work. I make my situation work, she needs to figure out a way to make hers work. Trista is coming up in April. I want to do things with her so I'm saving money now. I'm planning on pulling some extra hours in the residence so I can have fun over break. I am doing what I need to do. I just wish the rest of society would do the same.
Is it wrong of me to wish people receiving such benefits to shut the hell up and do something about it?
-Jess
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