Follow a side project of mine:
Femmedooke.blogspot.com
(Side note: a blog from the new project ended up here. It has been removed and all comments should be made on the new blog. Thanks!)
-Jess
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
It has been quite awhile
Wow, it has been months since I've blogged. Looking back over the bullets from the new year, I've realized that already much had happened. I don't have the time or effort to get into it all in detail, so I will write about a few things so as to purge my mind of them for now. Hopefully you'll be able to tolerate it...haha
The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.
The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.
Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.
I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol
The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.
I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
-Jess
The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.
The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.
Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.
I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol
The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.
I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
-Jess
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Recap
I stole the bullet idea from a friend, but here is 2011 in a nut shell:
- I have lost 33 lbs since April of 2011.
- I finally managed to be fully treated for PCOS, a condition I've been living with for 11 years.
- I continue to work a job that I feel good about.
- I still have not seen a pay raise at said job.
- I have cultivated new friendships and continued those that are important.
- I have witnessed my extended family fall apart.
- I have begun running, and despite my improvements, I still do not enjoy it.
- I have fallen in love, even though I don't readily admit it.
- I have seriously contemplated having my own children in my life.
- I have lost loved ones.
- I have learned to appreciate the person I have grown to be, flaws and all.
What I hope for in 2012:
- A better sense of financial security.
- Continued Weight loss
- My relationship with the firefighter to continue to grow strong and stable.
- New experiences and fond memories.
- Family unity, however it may happen.
- Continued strength in my friendships.
- Love myself no matter what. :-)
-Jess
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Goodbye 2011
I'm not one to usually make resolutions, as I think it's silly for someone to promise to do something just because a new year has begun. I will, however, say that I've decided on a lifestyle change that will begin once I head back to work.
No more ordering French fries with everything. Once a month is all I get.
Yes, they are my weakness. My favorite food essentially. Pretty much the major awful food source left in my diet. Yes, sometimes I splurge, but for the most part I eat well. I also really need to get back in the habit of carrying my water jug around with me. I feel as though I've not been getting enough water lately.
There ya go, my "resolution" if you will.
I will say, I did experience something pretty awesome in 2011; I analyzed my own behavior and figured out why I was doing the things I was doing. This may seem ridiculous to some, but I've always been the type to listen to/analyze behavior/give advice to all of my friends in need. Ask me to do it to myself and I draw a huge blank. I've never been able to. I recently figured out that I've been making something small into a big deal with the firefighter because I'm afraid of what I feel for him. I've been crushed in the past by the man I felt this way about previously (Luke) and because of that I'm not ready to fully admit that I'm in love. I know if I don't admit it and fight it I might miss out on something really wonderful. I'm just afraid of being hurt. I'm in love with and 100% adore his son and the thought of walking away from him is devastating. Maybe that's why I'm being so cautious. Again, I'm thankful to Trista for hearing me out and dealing with my craziness. On the up side of the relationship, I met the firefighter's parents. That was pretty wonderful. His parents seem like wonderful people and they seemed to like me. His mom bought me a Grieg CD because he was a Norwegian (Scandinavian?) composer that she really enjoys and she wanted me to have him in my collection. Beyond sweet. Apparently when they visited his brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving, I was brought up and good things were said. I'm thankful that his family has accepted me. :-)
Tonight will be filled with good company, food and board games, so I'm very much looking forward to bringing in 2012. To my (2) readers, thank you for sticking with me for another year. Let's see what IT will bring. :-)
-Jess
Monday, December 5, 2011
Control
Okay okay, I'm a control freak. The first step to recovery and change is admitting your problem, right? I am not a control freak in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to my feelings and the way that I act/react/process/live daily I like to have total control. I like to be able to say "I am angry, and I'm going to walk away" or make the decision to fly off the handle and make with the screaming. I've always been good about holding back tears when it's not an appropriate time/place for them and have always been someone who could mask her supreme joy if necessary. (Well, aside from Trista, no one could tell just how I'm feeling. She's got this crazy ability to read me instantly!) I feel as though lately I've lost control of myself and it terrifies me. I can't hold the smile back when the phone rings. When I see the two-year old my heart visibly pours out. I feel as though if you were to see me interacting with the firefighter and his son, my eyes would be sending the message loud and clear. Nothing hidden. This is what worries me. I want to decide when to send the message. When to allow people to see what's really going on inside of my heart. What my brain is trying to rationalize away. What I'm trying to avoid. Yes, I said it, avoid. I'm terrified of the feelings that really exist, as the last time I was certain I was feeling them, my heart was crushed. (Luke) The control freak inside of me doesn't want to open up to the possibility of that happening again, yet I'm fully aware that without allowing that possibility I'm cutting myself off from the possibility that my heart will not be broken. There is a possibility that my heart, instead, would be free to experience something so beautiful. Risks vs benefits. I decided to be brave (in the wimpiest sense of the word...ha!) and write a little of how I'm feeling in his Christmas card. Granted, I didn't use THE word, and I'm not sure when he'll actually read it, (it's on his gift which I intend to give in person) but I did it. We shall see how it all turns out.
I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.
Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?
Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)
Until the next post. Wish me luck!
-Jess
I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.
Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?
Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)
Until the next post. Wish me luck!
-Jess
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Oh boy
I think I've lost my mind. We all have things in life we hate doing. For me that list would include hand-washing dishes, driving in traffic with people who obviously should have been denied a license and running. Dishes and stupid drivers really can't be avoided but running can be. Why then, I ask, am I pushing myself to run? The answer is simple: If I hate something so much why not push through it? I've always been one to give myself goals, push myself further and work harder than I should. I decided to revisit the couch to 5k program I had started ions ago (and gave up on during day 2) and gave myself the goal of "completing a 5k before my birthday". I've been working hard and my stamina has greatly improved. I still do not enjoy the act of running, but I hate it a little less each day.
Okay, so giving myself more than a half a year was pretty wise of me. It gives me plenty of time to get into the right running shape and do my best, right? Why in the hell am I now considering registering for a 5k at the end of this month (Oct 30th)? I'm clinically insane. That the only reason. So, I've amped up my running and have given myself until the deadline (Oct 23rd) to decide if it's going to happen or not. I'm aware I can walk part of it, but if I'm going to do it I want to do it well.
Life outside of the running challenge has been good. I'm 33lbs down since April, which also puts me at 3 pounds until my lightest post-puberty weight. It's nice to be five sizes down since my final year at Stetson, and it's even nicer to see that some of the things I have in my new size are a little loose in areas as well. I could be on my way to my smallest size ever. It's nice to see my hard work paying off.
I don't remember the numbers that I had assigned the guys I had been talking to from the dating site, but the firefighter with the two-year-old son is the winner. We have been spending a good deal of time together, our friendship grows a little each day and I'm completely in love with his son. We will see how things develop. I know I'm interested to see how things happen.
Babies! Holy cow they are everywhere. Co-workers and old friends seem to be popping them out at record speed. I can't say that I'm turned off by the thought of kids, as I want to be a mother in my lifetime. I can't say that the thought of having babies hasn't crossed my mind because it certainly has. My body is screaming at me to have one while my brain is saying "man and money. Two important parts of baby making!" My doctor actually told me I should start having kids as my body is ready and doing all the things it needs to in order to have children. I'd like to have kids before I'm 30, but other things need to happen before then. Maybe it's because I've been spending time with the firefighter's son, which has been INCREDIBLE, but the "have a baby" feeling has been strong.
That's an update in a nutshell. Until next time.
-Jess
Okay, so giving myself more than a half a year was pretty wise of me. It gives me plenty of time to get into the right running shape and do my best, right? Why in the hell am I now considering registering for a 5k at the end of this month (Oct 30th)? I'm clinically insane. That the only reason. So, I've amped up my running and have given myself until the deadline (Oct 23rd) to decide if it's going to happen or not. I'm aware I can walk part of it, but if I'm going to do it I want to do it well.
Life outside of the running challenge has been good. I'm 33lbs down since April, which also puts me at 3 pounds until my lightest post-puberty weight. It's nice to be five sizes down since my final year at Stetson, and it's even nicer to see that some of the things I have in my new size are a little loose in areas as well. I could be on my way to my smallest size ever. It's nice to see my hard work paying off.
I don't remember the numbers that I had assigned the guys I had been talking to from the dating site, but the firefighter with the two-year-old son is the winner. We have been spending a good deal of time together, our friendship grows a little each day and I'm completely in love with his son. We will see how things develop. I know I'm interested to see how things happen.
Babies! Holy cow they are everywhere. Co-workers and old friends seem to be popping them out at record speed. I can't say that I'm turned off by the thought of kids, as I want to be a mother in my lifetime. I can't say that the thought of having babies hasn't crossed my mind because it certainly has. My body is screaming at me to have one while my brain is saying "man and money. Two important parts of baby making!" My doctor actually told me I should start having kids as my body is ready and doing all the things it needs to in order to have children. I'd like to have kids before I'm 30, but other things need to happen before then. Maybe it's because I've been spending time with the firefighter's son, which has been INCREDIBLE, but the "have a baby" feeling has been strong.
That's an update in a nutshell. Until next time.
-Jess
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Strength and weaknesses
I'm home from the hospital. I called my mother today to inform her that I'd be coming down for dinner. It certainly had been awhile since the last time I saw her. I hang up the phone and get ready to leave. I send a text and all of a sudden she is calling me again.
My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.
Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.
I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.
When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.
My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.
Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.
I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?
I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.
-Jess
My grandfather had been in an accident. He's 85 years old and still rides a motor-scooter (similar to a vespa) for enjoyment. Apparently he was on his scooter and wasn't in great shape. He had a broken leg but was stable. They were going to transfer him from Kingston to albany. Okay. Family was already on the way to Albany so mom and I decided we'd wait to go until we found out more.
Each phone call after that moment brought more news. Different news. Worse news. He wasn't airlifted to Albany because he had gone into cardiac arrest. He needed blood transfusions because he was bleeding out. He was on a ventilator and was resuscitated several times. Mom and I drove to Kingston to be with him. By the time we arrived they had already stabilized him enough to drive him to Albany. Upon arriving to Albany Hospital, he was being given CPR again. 20 minutes later, my grandfather was gone.
I sat in the waiting room of the Kingston Hospital offering my mother tissues and making the calls. The doctor who treated him have me his home number in case I had any questions. I didn't cry, didn't stumble. I just did. I cruised through the rest of the night on autopilot. I had my grandfather's personal items in a bag in my purse. I was carrying his teeth and it didn't seem to phase me.
When I left mom's I called Trista to vent a bit and let her know what was going on. I started to tear but hadn't really cried. Now that I'm alone, not so much the case.
My grandfather, while not the best man I've known, was so strong. He was strong-willed, strong-minded and had a strong spirit. He died riding his scooter despite all of the warnings of danger. He died doing something he enjoyed.
Last week, a friend of the family and a former co-worker of mine passed away. She finally lost her battle with cancer. She was, even on the days that were tough, the most positive human being I have ever crossed paths with. She was always optimistic. Always had something good to discuss. All of that strength couldn't manifest itself in the strength needed to beat the cancer.
I'm a strong woman. Strong enough to carry my family through trials such as this. I'm strong enough to work with disabled kids and find joy in the tough days. I'm strong enough to workout and kick my body into shape 4-5 times a week without even thinking twice. If I'm so strong, why can't I be strong enough for myself? Why do I feel so weak right now? Why can I not allow myself to break down and express my heartache to my best friend or even my own mother? Why do I wait until I am alone to allow this moment of weakness?
I'm rambling. It's time to sleep.
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110820/NEWS0301/308209989/-1/NEWS03 My Grandfather's obituary.
-Jess
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