Diaper sample!

I signed up for influenster awhile ago on a whim and received my first mailer last week.

I received a coupon for a free pack of Babies R Us New Dipers. Let's be real, free diapers are always a win, but when they're free and they are good diapers? BONUS POINTS!

Vaughn is still in size 1s (the only size we didn't load up on) so that's what we picked up. $7.99 is the original price on these diapers which is a little less expensive than Pampers and Huggies, our trusted go-tos. 

These have some cute designs on them and also features a wetness indicator--Bill's favorite feature! They seem pretty light weight which is also nice. I hate bulky diapers! 

So far, the BRU diapers are keeping V dry and happy. No leaks, no rashes or reactions! We will see how they do overnight! 

*I received these diapers free in exchange for an honest review of the product. The review is genuine, not fueled by free stuff. If they were awful diapers, I'd let you know!*

What they don't tell you about breastfeeding.

When labor is through and you have this cute little human in your arms, you really can't imagine much outside of "I will feed my child, keep them clean and love them forever." Sure, in the back of your mind you're hoping you don't drop them, teach them swear words or end up doing them any kind of emotional harm. You probably aren't thinking that the process of feeding your child is going to be a cause of great stress.

Sometimes it is, and I'm here to say that it's okay. 

From the time my brother came into this world, breastfeeding was normal for me. I witnessed my mother do it as well as other friends and family members. I rarely saw a baby with a bottle and if I did it was due to the mother having to work. I never once thought that I'd bottle feed my child with the exception of when I returned to work, and even then, I never thought I would be a formula mom. Then I became pregnant and things changed. 

During my pregnancy (which was textbook perfect, not a single issue or major complaint here) I did some reading on women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and childbearing. I have read a great deal of literature on PCOS in general and how it relates to fertility and conception, however reading more research on PCOS and pregnancy brought some major questions to mind. I first had a notion that breastfeeding would be difficult when I started reading about PCOS and tissue development. Some women with PCOS end up with tubular breasts due to a lack of glandular tissue. That glandular tissue is what produces milk during lactation. Some women have perfectly normal shaped breasts and still lack that glandular tissue, however tubular breasts are a tell-tale sign that something is different. I brought my concerns to my doctor (after crying about the possibility of not being able to feed my child) and she said "we really can only wait and see what will happen. You could produce milk without any issues, or you may not produce enough to exclusively breast feed." 

Fast forward to after Vaughn's arrival. Despite having a pretty serious upper lip tie (that we still are working on having fixed), he latched pretty well. I could hand express colostrum which made me so happy. He nursed pretty well and seemed content for the first couple of days. He had lost weight before we discharged from the hospital which was normal so we didn't think anything was wrong. We brought him home and he became a little more fussy than normal. Upon taking him to the doctor, he had lost even more weight. We scheduled a follow-up for the following week and that's when everything changed. At that second appointment I was told he had lost 25% of his body weight and it was most likely due to my not producing enough milk. She told me that I was basically starving my child and had to begin supplementing immediately. 

I drove home and cried. I called Bill and cried. I called my mom and cried. I sat at home, held my son in my arms, and cried. I had felt like such a failure. How could this be happening? I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant in the first place and I did, so shouldn't that mean the same for my breasts and feeding my child? Thankfully I had a free sample can of formula in the house, so I was able to give him his first bottle. 

And I cried. 

Then I started doing research, and found that so many formulas are made of really crummy ingredients. I ended up using the Honest Company and was thankful that he had no reaction to the change. (I mean I get that formula is higher in calories than breast milk, but does it have to be made with corn syrup as the first ingredient as well as vegetable oil solids? I don't use veggie oil in my own house. I'm not feeding this to my child!) 

Then began the insanity that is a supplementing mother's life. For each time Vaughn is hungry I nurse him on both sides. Once he's done at the breast, I feed him a bottle. When all is said and done, I strap myself to my pump and pump for 10-20 minutes. Do you know how often an infant eats? I feel like I'm hooked to my pump all day. I do this though to try and boost my supply. The more you nurse and pump, the more you're sending a signal to your brain and breasts to make more milk. You are also killing your nipples in the process, but thank God for lanolin. I should take stock in the stuff. With all of this pumping, I was only getting maybe a quarter of an ounce of milk a day. I didn't produce enough to give in a bottle even over a couple of days. I was syringe feeding Vaughn whatever I pumped as soon as I was done pumping. 

I made lactation cookies, lactation bites, lactation smoothies. I am taking fenugreek three times a day. I'm staying as hydrated as possible and am attempting to get enough calories(from good foods) so I produce enough milk. Slowly but surely my production has increased. It's still not much compared to your typical mother, however to me, each drop is gold and I'm ecstatic. I rented a hospital grade pump and learned the art of hand expression to try and get even more for my son. I even invested in a manual pump to keep by my bed so I can pump quietly without having to disturb anyone by getting up and moving around the house. Through all of this work, I managed to pump more than I ever have in two days. 

I pumped five ounces. And I cried. 

Why put myself through all of this stress? Breast milk has so many benefits. Did you know that the compounds of your breast milk change with your child's needs? Your breasts actually take in some "backwash" from your child and send signals to your body to produce and distribute different antibodies and bacteria needed. Pretty cool, right? I see it as every drop I can give him is better than nothing, although I harbor no ill feelings towards any mother who exclusively formula feeds. I understand now more than ever the many reasons why formula is an option. 

These five weeks with Vaughn have been hard and stressful and a test of my will and emotions. They have also been five of the most incredibly rewarding weeks of my life. To see my boy grow, develop a personality, recognize my voice and navigate his world is awesome. To see his strength and his persistence (like rolling from his stomach to his back at a week old, holding his head up to look at me while he's on my chest or scooting himself across the floor on his belly while he's on his activity mat...) to take in his surroundings blows my mind. I wouldn't change it for the world. I will continue to pump, to hand express and nurse for as long as my body decides it will make milk for my son. If that means hauling a set of "pumping luggage" with me everywhere I go or sacrificing some of what little sleep I can manage, so be it. If that means crying when I knock over a bottle of milk, even if it's only drops, well that's what I'll do. 

I haven't blogged in quite some time, but I figured the story of my labor and delivery would be the perfect place to pick up where I left off.

A little back info:
My doctor, Dr. Jen Shamah doesn't deliver, but I've worked with her for years and completely trust her so I continued to see her through the majority of my pregnancy. In my third trimester we decided to meet delivering OBs, including Dr. Chu (our favorite), Dr. Cohen (who delivered me) and Dr. Todd.

On Friday, August 14th, Bill and I headed to our 39+6 prenatal appointment, complete with another non-stress test. We had this appointment scheduled with Dr. Todd, and this would be the first time meeting her. The nurse who hooked us up was amazing and as this was our second non-stress test, we just relaxed and began. When Dr. Todd finally came in, she was very abrasive and said "WOW! Your stomach is so big! How much weight have you gained this pregnancy?" I had only gained 23 pounds total and she instantly said "I'm surprised and now very concerned. That is a 10lb baby. We cannot allow you to deliver vaginally. There are too many risks with a baby that size. He could get stuck. He could end up with shoulder dysplasia and a palsy. He could grow out of this, or he could have restricted movement of his arms. His head is also really high. Did you see how far I had to go to check you? His head will not fit. This is a sign of that. I am going to send you to Dr. Kaminsky for an ultrasound to size that baby. Come back to me when you're done."

Dr. Kaminsky is a maternal fetal medicine specialist and someone I had seen several times. Due to Vaughn measuring large, his kidneys measuring slightly large and a scare about debris or a bubble in his stomach, we had multiple ultrasounds to keep an eye on things. His stomach turned out to be just fine but throughout the pregnancy he continued to measure large and I continued to show an excess of amniotic fluid. They had originally talked about induction around 37 weeks because of the fluid and his size, but due to passing my first non-stress test and being in great health, they decided this would not be necessary.

I have the ultrasound done, Vaughn measures at 9lbs 11oz and Dr. Kaminsky meets with me to discuss delivery options. I of course was quite upset by Dr. Todd's approach and the idea that I would have to have a c-section simply because my baby was large. Dr. Kaminsky talked to Bill and I about how the baby wasn't so large that she would say a c-section was absolute, but that there were risks either way and we needed to weigh both options.

I sat in the waiting room of Dr. Todd's office after that and cried until she called us in.

Dr. Todd met with Bill and I in her office and said that she was admitting us to the hospital because of my blood pressure being 120/90 and that I wasn't leaving without a baby. She went over the risks of having a vaginal delivery with me and then told me that Dr. Chu was on-call and at the hospital so she needed to let him know what our choice was. I told her to let him know that I would discuss it all with him when I got there.

If she thought my blood pressure was high at 120/90, it's a good thing she hadn't taken my pressure at that moment. I'm sure it was nearing stroke level.

Bill and I head over to the birthing center (thankfully my hospital bag had been packed and in the car for about a month) and check in. I made my phone-calls and headed up to the sixth floor where we would be shown to our delivery room.

Mom arrives, I am given my gown and the first delivery nurse hooks me up to the fetal monitor. This was not what I wanted. I wanted to move around, do what I needed to do through my labor to get through each contraction. Now, that was no longer an option. Dr. Chu came in and spoke with me about my options. He did let me know that with a large baby there were risks, and in the past he has had to break a collar-bone if a baby has become stuck and there's no time for a c-section. He told us that there were risks with a c-section as well, but whatever we would decide he would stand behind, as he would not pressure us either way. He left to give me some time to think about it, and Bill and I discussed our option. I actually asked him what he thought I should do. I kept saying "if I break my baby I'll never live with myself but if I have a c-section when I could have delivered vaginally, I'm going to be pissed." The nurse told us "in my years of doing this, if a baby isn't going to fit, your body will typically show you signs before it gets too dangerous. You may not dilate because of lack of pressure. If you really want to try vaginal birth, try it. Emergency c-sections are done for just that, an emergency." Bill told me to go with what I had wanted, and so we decided on a vaginal birth.

Dr. Chu came back in, we told him we had decided on a vaginal birth and so he directed the nurse to start pitocin. Another thing I had hoped to avoid during my pregnancy. They wouldn't rupture my membranes due to the baby being high and the risk for the cord to descend first, and he didn't think that other techniques would get things to where they needed to be. Okay...pitocin it is. Throughout the non-stress test earlier that day as well as all of the discussion since being hooked to the monitors, I was seeing contractions grow and gain intensity. No pain, some pressure, nothing that I hadn't experienced before. Around 8pm I started the pitocin and relaxed and watched the Bengals/Giants game on TV. Bill had worked a 24 on Thursday and had decided he would try to get some sleep. His family (Mom, step-Dad, two brothers and his brother's fiancé) had driven up and arrived not too far afterwards. Lila came in to see how things were going, and around 10pm they decided to take Bill out for dinner. By 10pm I had gone from a 1 to a 9 on the pitocin and my contractions were really picking up. My mom was shocked that I was feeling no pain and kept saying "I'm worried that this means he isn't coming down." I told her to just relax, and she kicked off her shoes and put them up on my bed.

I hear a "snap", felt what I compare to a rubber band being snapped in my uterus, and a gush. I said "ooohh" and then "I think my water just broke!" Mom said "it sure did" as a gallon of fluid poured off of the bed and onto the floor. I of course sat up and am laughing hysterically as even more fluid is rushing out of me. I also get hit with my first painful contraction. The level of the contraction was the same as my previous ones, but this one hurt. It hurt quite a bit. I started my breathing techniques as I texted Bill and let him know what happened. He hadn't even made it to the door of Chili's when he received the text. I also then had the need to pee at that exact moment, so I disconnected the monitor and walked to the bathroom dragging my IV pole as I had done once earlier that night. I was so mortified by all the fluid on the floor that during one contraction in the bathroom, I was in a full-squat, breathing and using paper towels to clean as much up as I could. Bill returned to the hospital and he and my mom attempted to help me through the pain. They both used cold washcloths on my neck and forehead as I sat on the edge of the bed. I tried to focus on my breathing and I moved as much as I possibly could to help myself through each contraction. I continued to lose fluid with each contraction that came and the new delivery nurse (there was a shift change just after the pitocin was started) mentioned never having seen so much fluid in her career. I did get short with Bill and my mom (some "don't touch me"s and "get off my IV"s and "don't move my puke basin"s were said) but overall I kept it as cool and calm as I could.

Until I just couldn't anymore.

Around 11:30pm, I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced. My breathing wasn't working anymore. My contractions were hard and fast, not a lot of time in between. I moaned, hummed, grunted and moved through as many as I could and I simply couldn't do it anymore. I begged for relief. I begged for an epidural. I didn't want to discuss any other med option. I simply wanted to be able to get through another contraction. I was exhausted, I was STILL losing fluid and I had thrown up. No movement was helping and the pitocin was still being pumped into my system, keeping the contractions relentless. At one point the delivery nurse told me to "Go to your happy place." I took deep breath and then moaned the words "there is no happy place anymore." Another breath in and then I said "My happy place will come when I can't feel this anymore." Another breath. "Please someone help me." Dr. Chu came around midnight and checked me and I was a full 6cm dilated. He called in the anesthesiologist and the epidural was administered. (I may have proposed to the man. I know I definitely called him my favorite person in the world.) The last contraction I remember feeling began during the swabbing of my back for the epidural. I remember starting to breathe and moan through it, then nothing. Finally I had relief.

I positioned myself in the bed, turned to Bill and said "I suck." He reassured me that I didn't suck, but did say he would never let me live this moment down. Especially since I had said "any future children are planned c-sections" during one contraction. I was spent, and was hoping to get some sleep before it was time to push.

Something no one tells you when you're pregnant is that sleeping in the hospital is nearly impossible. Between nurses, doctors and visitors, you will be woken up every single time you begin to drift. This happened in the delivery room when one of Bill's brothers came to see how things were going, but I ended up falling asleep while he was in the room.

Dr. Chu returned around 2:30am (woke me up after having just fallen asleep...) to check me. I was fully dilated and 100% effaced. He told me he would be turning off the epidural so I could begin to feel the contractions again and work with them to push. He said he would be back in 25 minutes to see where we were and to try a practice push so I knew what to do. 25 minutes rolled around, he directed me on how he wanted me to push and said "try a practice push!" I inhaled, pushed and I hear "wow! I see the head!" He told me I could reach down and feel Vaughn which I did, and I knew it wouldn't be long until he was out. Waiting to feel the pressure of the contraction was the most time consuming part of this process, as it was less than 3 minutes of actual pushing before he was laying on my stomach. On the final round of pushing, Dr. Chu was counting and then I hear "hold on, hold on, hold on!!" Needless to say I couldn't, and he managed to catch Vaughn just in time. 3:03am was the moment my son was born. Definitely a moment I will never forget.

We delayed the cord clamping, Bill cut the cord and I was able to have my skin-to-skin time with my boy. I had to be stitched as I had two tears (one was a first degree, the other a third) but the entire time Dr. Chu was working on me he was talking about what a good pusher I was.

When I was decent and had been able to feed the baby, Bill's family came in to meet the baby. They stayed for about a half an hour and then made the trip back to Jersey. By that time it was just about 5am.

My nurse returned and Bill and Vaughn headed to the nursery for a bath and his tests. Due to him being a large birthweight baby (9lbs 0.8oz) they would monitor his sugar for 24 hours, as some babies have trouble processing sugars. I was assisted to the bathroom before being transported to the recovery wing. That's when things got a little hairy.

I was sitting there filling my peri bottle when instantly my head started pounding, I had a deafening ringing in the ears and I was going to pass out. My nurse commented on how I looked and went and retrieved another nurse for assistance. I had evidently lost a lot of blood during delivery, so they decided to monitor me in the delivery room for a little while longer. My last blood pressure reading in that room was 100/61.

I eventually was wheeled into the recovery wing where I was lucky enough to see Bill assisting with Vaughn's first bath. That is when I cried. I hadn't cried during labor, I didn't cry when I held him. I cried seeing the start of my new family routine. I cried seeing the love that Bill had for our son. I cried seeing Vaughn separated from me for the first time.

The rest of our hospital stay was a whirlwind of BP checks, visitors, attempts to sleep, the best damn roast beef sub I could have eaten (I had wanted one for months while pregnant), and Bill's love and support the entire time. It was also full of a lot of "are you sure you don't need any mess for your stitches?" and "Wow! Did the tattoo on your foot hurt?" No mess and no, no pain for the tattoo. :-)

My original birth plan had to be altered. Had pitocin not been given, had induction not been necessary, perhaps I would have made it natural. I made it to 6cm with nothing and maybe I could have made it further. I honestly don't know. I kept an open mind despite what my wishes were and that's all any mother can do. Preferences can be altered, ideas can suddenly be tossed out the window and having a child is just the beginning of "flying by the seat of your pants." I mean, who would have known that going in for a routine check the day before my due date would have meant being admitted? We certainly didn't!