Goodbye 2011

I'm not one to usually make resolutions, as I think it's silly for someone to promise to do something just because a new year has begun. I will, however, say that I've decided on a lifestyle change that will begin once I head back to work. No more ordering French fries with everything. Once a month is all I get. Yes, they are my weakness. My favorite food essentially. Pretty much the major awful food source left in my diet. Yes, sometimes I splurge, but for the most part I eat well. I also really need to get back in the habit of carrying my water jug around with me. I feel as though I've not been getting enough water lately. There ya go, my "resolution" if you will. I will say, I did experience something pretty awesome in 2011; I analyzed my own behavior and figured out why I was doing the things I was doing. This may seem ridiculous to some, but I've always been the type to listen to/analyze behavior/give advice to all of my friends in need. Ask me to do it to myself and I draw a huge blank. I've never been able to. I recently figured out that I've been making something small into a big deal with the firefighter because I'm afraid of what I feel for him. I've been crushed in the past by the man I felt this way about previously (Luke) and because of that I'm not ready to fully admit that I'm in love. I know if I don't admit it and fight it I might miss out on something really wonderful. I'm just afraid of being hurt. I'm in love with and 100% adore his son and the thought of walking away from him is devastating. Maybe that's why I'm being so cautious. Again, I'm thankful to Trista for hearing me out and dealing with my craziness. On the up side of the relationship, I met the firefighter's parents. That was pretty wonderful. His parents seem like wonderful people and they seemed to like me. His mom bought me a Grieg CD because he was a Norwegian (Scandinavian?) composer that she really enjoys and she wanted me to have him in my collection. Beyond sweet. Apparently when they visited his brother and sister-in-law for Thanksgiving, I was brought up and good things were said. I'm thankful that his family has accepted me. :-) Tonight will be filled with good company, food and board games, so I'm very much looking forward to bringing in 2012. To my (2) readers, thank you for sticking with me for another year. Let's see what IT will bring. :-) -Jess

Control

Okay okay, I'm a control freak. The first step to recovery and change is admitting your problem, right? I am not a control freak in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to my feelings and the way that I act/react/process/live daily I like to have total control. I like to be able to say "I am angry, and I'm going to walk away" or make the decision to fly off the handle and make with the screaming. I've always been good about holding back tears when it's not an appropriate time/place for them and have always been someone who could mask her supreme joy if necessary. (Well, aside from Trista, no one could tell just how I'm feeling. She's got this crazy ability to read me instantly!) I feel as though lately I've lost control of myself and it terrifies me. I can't hold the smile back when the phone rings. When I see the two-year old my heart visibly pours out. I feel as though if you were to see me interacting with the firefighter and his son, my eyes would be sending the message loud and clear. Nothing hidden. This is what worries me. I want to decide when to send the message. When to allow people to see what's really going on inside of my heart. What my brain is trying to rationalize away. What I'm trying to avoid. Yes, I said it, avoid. I'm terrified of the feelings that really exist, as the last time I was certain I was feeling them, my heart was crushed. (Luke) The control freak inside of me doesn't want to open up to the possibility of that happening again, yet I'm fully aware that without allowing that possibility I'm cutting myself off from the possibility that my heart will not be broken. There is a possibility that my heart, instead, would be free to experience something so beautiful. Risks vs benefits. I decided to be brave (in the wimpiest sense of the word...ha!) and write a little of how I'm feeling in his Christmas card. Granted, I didn't use THE word, and I'm not sure when he'll actually read it, (it's on his gift which I intend to give in person) but I did it. We shall see how it all turns out.

I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.

Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?

Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)

Until the next post. Wish me luck!


-Jess