Slacker

I'm all too aware of the fact that I've neglected my blog. I personally see this as a good thing, as it means I've been spending my time doing other things.

Since of course we are nearing the end of the year, i've decided that this post will be a reflectiion on the resolutions I had made for 2009.

Finances:
I feel as though I've taken a step in the right direction this year. While I still am not as wealthy as I would like to be (lotto anyone?) I feel as though I have more money between pay periods and have been able to put more towards my student loans. I've also been able to afford my skating, which adds up quickly. I made wise decisions such as giving up cable tv and living by movies instead. I'm not around enough to warrant spending $70 a month to have cable.

Relationship failures, past and present:
The friendship that failed this time last year has failed for good, and I'm okay with it. His return to the playhouse this season proved that it was finished. I've lost contact with a few people from the playhouse, and I'm okay. I've realized that while some people are meant to be a part of your life, others are not. I do not feel responsible for any of these failures, and I think for that very reason, I've accomplished this resolution.

Feeling romantically alone:
I really tried not to think of romantic relationships much this year, but in the end some things have changed. Last year I had created a eharmony profile, but never checked it. I updated it once this year, and all of a sudden I'm receiving emails and IMs left and right. I never paid for a membership, but through free communication weekends and the fact that they never caught my AIM name in my profile, I began talking to a couple of people regularly. It finally was narrowed down to just one, and so far things are good. I'm not sure if there is an official label on the relationship yet, but whatever it is, I enjoy it. He's a hysterically funny guy who has good taste in movies and music. He's tall and handsome. He's sweet and I feel very comfortable around him. He appreciates the little things and makes me smile. I'm sincerely hoping that I'll continue seeing him.

Physical limitations:
Skating has been great for this one. I love being on the ice and I love what it's done for my body. My legs are toning and i've lost nearly 30 pounds. I'm down one "right fit" pant size and two normal sizes. I am glad that i've found a sport I like again. :-)

So, that's the update. I'm hoping that you all have a very Merry Christmas and may your new year bring good changes as well. :-)



-- Jessica

12 in 12- October

I got my butt handed to me today in guitar hero. Apparently not playing for months hinders your ability to rock. I failed two songs back to back. On hard. For the first time ever. WTF.



A friend of mine recommended this game for the ds, and I managed to talk my mom into buying it for me. I hope it lives up to the expectations I have. He said it's a lot of fun, and since we have the same ds games, I figure our tastes are pretty similar.




I simply could not get warm today. No matter what I tried, my body still felt like a giant popcicle.




Laundry sucks to no end. It was one thing when I could do it in my own house, but now I'm forced to schlep it to moms. It's a tedious job.




I thought about raking the leaves on my yard today. Just thought about it. Didn't do it though.



My dog apparently believes he's king of the house. He also has figured out how to turn the bedroom light on to signal he has to go out. This sucks when it's at 6:00 am on your day off.



I've become completley uninspired by the written word lately. I have plenty of books to read, yet i've lost the desire to read. I'm not sure if it's because I just finished a stellar series or if I'm burnt out. I want to find my literary drive again.




I realized today that there is more snack food in the house for my dog than there is for me. That's good, since I'm trying to eat healthy, but now I know where all of my money has gone.



I really love my bedroom. It's such a relaxing and zen place. I did a good job decorating if I do say so myself. :-)



To this day, I still use my white board to stay organized. I did, however, find out that visa vis do not work well on this board. They run. No good.



This was my dinner for tonight but I wasn't hungry. Eggplant Parma and pasta. I'll take it to work with me tomorrow instead.



Anyone want a free one year old queen mattress??I got my tempurpedic which I love, and now I have nowhere to put my old mattress. It has some warehouse dust on it that I couldn't get off, but it's in great shape.

-- Jessica

Distasteful conversation.

I get to mom's tonight, and she's fuming. My grandfather had stopped in to see her, and they had a conversation that resulted in my mother yelling at her father for the first time.

It starte out by him talking about my cousin's graduation dinner at the diner down the road. None of us were invited, but that's not really the issue. Something happened and something was said at that dinner to trigger negative thoughts of me by my grandfather. He told mom that he's disgusted that I'm living off of the state. What? I wish I was! It'd be a whole lot easier to pay for things. I get no state aid, bust my ass 40 hours a week and pay for everything on my own. No welfare, no food stamps. Nothing. I pay for my own health insurance too! Apparently because I have student loans, I'm living off of the state.

He was talking to mom about when I was a baby. My father beat my mother and tried to push her out of a window. Why?he was trying to hit me. I was 18 months old. Do I support this? No. Do I still love my father? Yes. My grandfather told mom that my father must have seen something in me and we both deserved it.

My grandfather believes I am living off of my mother. Yes, I'm sharing a car with her while I save for my own. Other than that, I do not ask her for a damn thing. Has she picked up a carton of milk for me while she was out? Yep. Have I done the same for her? Yep. I, again, bust my ass and do what I need to do for myself, and when I've needed assistance, I've gone to my uncle and paid off my debt in record time. (twice ever, once for online classes that needed the money up front. )

I know that my aunt Linda was at that dinner, and I know that for whatever reason she hates me. I know that in my 9 years of working, I have busted ass and worked harder than she has in her 50-some years of life. I know that I have helped her out numerous times without thinking twice, and have always been nice to her. (well, up until she started eating my groceries. )

Fuck her. Fuck them. I don't need a family full of spite and hatred. I have the Ropke side, an I still have some left on the Poppo side. Those who feel like talking negatively about me when they don't even know me can kiss my fat ass.

Frustrations

I love and hate Facebook. I've made that clear multiple times. I've been given some information via Facebook that turns my stomach.

Rewind to my Senior year of High School. I had a friend named Jessica. We were good friends. We hung out with the same basic circle of friends, and I even dated (and had relations) with her older brother Jeff. Jessica got pregnant while she was in school. When she told her mom, her mother kicked her out of the house. Me being the great friend I am, asked my mother if she could stay with us until things got better. Jessica stayed with us for MONTHS. Nearly through her full pregnancy. Jessica had the baby, quit school and moved into her own apartment. (She did, however, get her H.S. Diploma a few months later.) Her mom welcomed her back into the family again as if nothing ever happened. I left for college. A month into being at Stetson, I found out that Jessica's child died of SIDS. It was heartbreaking, but I felt it was also somewhat of a miracle, as Jessica had no help raising her child (her mom was too busy to help, and the father wasn't around), and she didn't have the means to take care of herself, let alone a child. I figured this would allow Jessica to start over, and really be able to make something of herself.

What happens?

She gets pregnant again, with a different guy, and has her son. She does alright for herself. Struggles something awful. When I would come home to visit, I'd stop in at her apartment. (I'd always have to take anything worth while out of my car, for fear that it wouldn't be there when I returned to it.) She still wasn't in a good position to raise her son, but she did her best. She had state assistance, but also worked full time to earn the money she needed. Her dreams of school were extinguished.

I find out a couple of years ago that she is pregnant again. Still living in the same apartment. Still in the same boat. No money, no man, bad situation. She's having a girl. I think "How on Earth is she surviving? How are those kids getting along? She has no money for anything, and her family doesn't help her at all!" Seeing pictures of her son, his front teeth are black, but he looks healthy besides that. (I can't stand baby teeth that haven't fallen out being rotten with cavities. That drives me bonkers.) Her daughter looks good. Jessica seems sad, depressed and unsure of the direction her life has taken her in. She busts her ass at the same job she's had since High School (working at the local Winn Dixie) to provide, and she is still on state assistance.

Jessica and I have started talking again, and I find out that she is pregnant for a third time. This time, the kicker: She has NO home to live in. She's currently trying to figure out where she and her two children will live, and yet she's pregnant with another one.

Condoms are cheap. Birth Control is cheap if not free at Planned Parenthood. Abstinence is free.

She is now going to have three children by three different men. She has no home, no steady job (as Winn Dixie laid her off not too long ago) and no support. Her family isn't around, and neither are the father's of the babies. Now, my sister has three kids by three different men, but her situation was different. Her first child is from her Husband. They got divorced, she had her son with her boyfriend who took off. She had full benefits from her job, a steady job, a home of her own AND the support of her family. Her third child came from her current husband who also legally adopted her two other kids.

Jessica is not in a good situation, but I cannot feel sorry for her. It was her life choices that led her in this direction. It was her poor planning and careless thinking that put her in this situation. I do, however, feel endlessly sorry for her kids. Her kids, even though young, are being uprooted, and God knows when they will have a home that will be their home for years. They're going to be fed the worst possible foods because of their inexpensive cost, they are going to see their mother struggle to make ends meat and to provide, and that to me is just sad.

I mean, Jesus! That would be like me getting pregnant right now. I have a place to live, but I'm not going to say that I've never been late on my rent. I can't say that I haven't had to borrow to pay my bills before. It's not often, but once is enough in my book. Yes, I've managed to take care of a dog for nearly a year and a half yet, but I also haven't had to take him to the vet more than a check-up here and rabies shot there. Could I care for a child right now? No way! There is no doubt in my mind that my mother would do everything in her power for me and my child, but with no husband/partner and no financial stability, I could not even think of having a child. Perhaps it's the fact that I want my child to have all of the necessities, or perhaps it's because I lived in a single parent home where she struggled to pay for things. I don't want my child to ever live in a house where the electric gets turned off or where the fridge has nothing more than some milk and juice in it. I want my child to have the childhood I had and more, and I will not allow myself to bring a child into this world until I know that that will happen. (Although, seriously, how would I even get pregnant right now? There's no man, no prospect of a man, no man in my town, nothing.)

Now that my rant is over, I'm going to read something other than facebook posts for awhile.

Ugh

I'm not sure why the body behaves the way it does, but I don't like it. Why of course it's possible to breathe through an opening the size of a drinking straw, but I'm pretty sure not getting enough oxygen in my blood stream is going to create other problems.

Anyway, despite my illness, things on the home front are alright. My war against mice seems over. I caught a total of 8 mice, and I haven't caught of heard anymore since the last one. We'll see.


Tomorrow is skating lesson number two, and I'm going to go try on a pair of decent skates, since the rentals suck. I enjoy being on skates. It reminds me of all the time I used to spend on rollerblades.

I finished the 8th book in the Sookie stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, and I plan on picking up book 9 tomorrow. Such a good series!

Off to get ready for work.

-- Jessica

12 in 12

The alarm I'm setting on my phone as a back-up for every upcoming Saturday morning. I'm thinking that the pain of waking up that early will be worth it in the long run.






I have to wear thin, nylon socks for skating. Apparently cotton socks hold moisture in and make your feet freeze. They are also too thick for a good fit in your skates.






At about 3:30 in the afternoon I began to crash. I pulled out a book and a bottle of white mango acai tea to pick my energy level up.






Mom was making turkey pot pie for dinner, but I left before it was finished baking. My poor dog had been alone for far too long.






Clean laundry from the week before still at mom's. I'm a slacker.






So beyond tired on my way home. I couldn't even pretend to be awake.






One little surprise waiting for me when I returned. Coda had chewed through my surge protector cord while it was plugged in. I have had this surge protector since freshman year of high school. I now have no way of plugging my tv, alarm clock and DVD player in at the same time. I have to use an outdoor extension cord for the time being to have a working tv in my room.






After lecturing my dog about chewing the things he shouldn't, he decided he was going to be cute.







Watching husband number 2 on a re-run of true blood. Such a good show. (and yea, Alexander skarsgard is husband number 2.)






Damn mice and their damn turds. Another little surprise waiting for me when I got home. War against mice begins tomorrow.






The laundry I didn't get to do today, but will be brought to moms to do tomorrow.






My empty September calander. Nothing exciting written, aside from true bloods finale and some birthdays.

And there is your 12 in 12.
-- Jessica

Summer's End.

My last week before going back to work began on Monday. I'm thankful that I had vacation time, but being bored out of your mind for days on end drives me nuts. I am a person who likes to stay busy. I've always been that way. Yes, I need some down time, but not weeks of it. I've spent more time wasting away my life on the computer, and it drives me nuts. Mom and I have been butting heads, but only because we're on overload. I've had to deal with her more in the past couple of weeks than I normally do. We just really need our space. I am looking forward to heading back to the center. I miss my kids and I certainly miss my daily routine!

Saturday is going to be a fun day. I'm going to the playhouse to see Hairspray and the Broadway Burlesque cabaret with my older brother and sister-in-law. I haven't seen them in a year so it should be fun. I will also get to see and say goodbye to all of my favorite people at the playhouse, since most of them are leaving next week.

Starting next month, I am going to try something new with my blog. One of my friends from the playhouse had been participating in "12 in 12": an idea created by Chad Darnell in which you use 12 pictures to tell the story of your day on the 12th day of the month. It should be interesting to see what comes out of it. :-)

I have an idea for a book, and I am actually thinking about putting the idea into motion. I just need to figure out the logistics of the book, and then we'll see how far I get.

That's about it for me. Until next time.

Colorado

Well, my trip has come to an end and here I sit at my mom's house in New York. I can honestly say that I had a great time.

Sunday:

Arrived at the Crown Plaza around 11:30. We had to wait an additional two hours for our rooms to be ready. We hung out in the lobby, as all of us were dead tired. We had to be up and on the hotel shuttle in Newark by 4:00 am to catch our flight. We get into our rooms, get unpacked and head to the pool. After swimming for awhile, we go out to eat (Outback! Yay!), head back to the room and go to bed. Not a very productive first day, but that's what happens when you're dead tired.

Monday:

Wake up, have breakfast in the hotel lounge, jump in the car with part of our group and head towards Pikes Peak. It's a beautiful day, but torrential downpours are expected in the afternoon. We get to the train station, pay for our tickets and hop on board. The Cog Railroad that takes you to the summit is fun. It's 3 hours round trip, with about 40 minutes at the top. Our guide fills us in on all sorts of facts about the area and about the peak itself. Pikes Peak is the 32nd highest fourteener (mountains over 14,000 feet) in Colorado, and yet it seems so high on the way up. The guide keeps telling us that if we begin to feel the altitude, drink water and just relax. Getting worked up about the feelings you may experience will only cause it to become worse. I am the only one in my entire group that felt completely normal while up on the summit. Everyone else said they felt drunk and on the verge of being sick. I walked around, took pictures and enjoyed every minute of the experience. Yes, we have our mountains in New York, but nothing like this. The horn sounds, so we jump back on the train to head back to the bottom. The conductor of the train sits by us on the way down (we're in the row right by his seat) and we talk most of the way down. (Cute!) As soon as we get to the station, the skies open up and we get blasted by rain and hail. We get in the car and head back to the hotel. We get back basically in time to eat some dinner, and go to bed.

Tuesday:

Wake up, have free breakfast in the hotel lounge (the hotel messed up the refrigerators in the rooms, so they treated our entire group to breakfast), then get ready to go to the Garden of the Gods. We take the drive out there, and then hike a bit through the garden. The rock formations were gorgeous. I had such a good time. I actually wandered off the paved trails a bit and took a hike up the base of one of the formations. It was a lot of fun. Afterwards, we headed to one of the local ice rinks to let the girls get in a good practice. The rink was beautiful. All of the girls skated well, and after two hours we decided to head back to the hotel. We ordered pizza in and swam until the pool closed.

Wednesday:

More skating, checking in for the State Games and an early night to bed. A pretty boring day.

Thursday:

Olivia's first two events. There were so many people there to skate. Olivia skated so well in both her Compulsory and her Footwork program, as did all of the girls that competed that day. Her footwork program ended, we got her placement and headed out to dinner. Dinner was fantastic, and it was time for us to head back to the World Arena for the Opening Ceremonies. I've never seen anything like it. Gymnasts opened the show, we had the parade of states and the athletes representing them, local bands, Idol Stars, Olympic Gold Medalists and the Olympic Flame. It was a good deal of fun. We headed back to the hotel and went to bed.

Friday:

Olivia had her Showcase and her Freestyle competitions, so we went to the rinks to watch. She again skated beautifully. We headed back to the hotel, swam, had dinner, went to bed.

Saturday:

Olivia's final event. GORGEOUS! We were so proud. We then watched a few more of our girls. Headed back to the hotel. Swam, had dinner, went to bed. Boring, I'm aware.

Sunday:

Went to see Seven Falls. It's the only waterfall in the state of Colorado that is recognized by the National Geographic. It was gorgeous. We had a great time there. We took a shuttle back to the Broadmoor Hotel, which is beautiful. Did some shopping, went back to the hotel to do some more shopping, packed, and swam. Mom and I had a few drinks and I was hit on by a Dilbert look-a-like. Went to bed.

Monday:

Up at 7. Finish packing the last of our crap. Head out to the airport. Do some shopping in the airport shops before we board the plane. We are given an AMAZING snack on the plane. (Beef Jerky, Crackers and Soft Cheese from England, twix bars, dried fruit.) We land in Houston, shop some more and wait to jump on our connecting flight. I wander down to Einstein's Bagels to get a tasty turkey (ahh college memories) and yet they don't make cold turkey sandwiches, and they're out of turkey completely. (What?!) I grab a salad and wander back. In all the places in all the world, I'm in Houston, a place I've never been before. Who do I see in the airport? My ex, the pilot. (Kris.) He's sitting in the bar that I walk by, and he gives me a nod and a wave. Okay. Weird. I walk back, get on my connecting flight, and settle in for the LONGEST plane ride in history. (Okay, maybe not, but the time change makes it feel like it was.) Turkey Croissant Dogs, Salad and Twix bars later, I'm watching the in flight movie, and my tailbone is throbbing. We land at 8:00 PM (we left Colorado Springs at 11:00 AM) and have to wait an hour for a shuttle back to the hotel we left the car at. (Joy.) We get there, drive an hour and a half from Newark to Newburg, stop to eat some real semblance of dinner, then head back to Stephanie's house so we can pick up mom's car. We grab the car and head another hour back towards mom's. Finally, we arrive. (1:00 in the morning.) I upload pictures and go to bed.

All in all, a great trip that was much needed. I enjoyed myself and would really like to explore other parts of Colorado. We'll see if this happens at some point. :-)

Random thoughts

This post will probably be all over the place, but I figure it's best to get the thoughts out of my head while I can. :-)

MTV has a new show, and I am really upset with it. It's called "16 and Pregnant" and it chronicles the lives of teenage parents. So far, I've watched 5 episodes. 4 of the 5 teens kept the baby. The one I watched today made me cry, because the parents decided to give the baby up for adoption. The parents were FURIOUS, yet they themselves couldn't provide a stable home environment for the teenage parents. The teens were wise beyond their years, and sadly had to be parents to their own parents. To be selfless and not to think about yourself but the well-being of your child is a difficult thing, but I commend this couple for what they did. For the other episodes of the show, it almost glorified children having children. What will our youth learn from these shows? Oh, it's okay to be a teenage parent? Mom and Dad will take care of my little family? I know it's a growing problem, but really? Do we need to televise it? Why not televise all of the ADULT parents who are struggling to provide for their kids? The ones who waited, and still don't have everything in order. Show our youth that even if you try to plan a child, it doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Raising a child is difficult, emotionally, physically as well as monetarily. Ugh...

Today was a hiking day for me. We (Bek, Bree, Jill, Olivia and I) went up to North/South Lake (a state park/camp ground) to hike up to artist's rock (for lunch) then to continue on to sunset rock. We had a good time and really enjoyed the fact that the sun wasn't beating down on us. (It was pretty cloudy for the most part, and it threatened to rain on us a number of times.) We finished our hike at North/South Lake and continued on to Kaaterskill Falls. Kaaterskill falls is the tallest waterfall in the state, and it is by far one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. It's a half mile from the road to the base of the falls, and it's all steps. Literally. Try walking up stairs that go up a solid 75 degrees and are nothing but mud, rocks and roots. Try doing that for a half mile. Try doing that while your legs are feeling like jell-o because of the 4 miles you just hiked prior. Yeah, it sounds like hell, no? It's not. (hehe) It's actually a really fun time. Once we got to the base of the fall itself, we climbed some rocks and positioned ourself under the cascading water. It seriously felt amazing. Talk about a great massage. We walked back down, changed clothes (behind the car and a towel) and drove home. Once ice cream stop and we were home. My body hurts, and I ended up with a charlie horse in my shoulder while trying to hook my bra. It was totally worth it. I really enjoy hiking, and definitely wouldn't trade it for anything. Perhaps this is why my mother would like me to marry a forest ranger.

Colorado is right around the corner and I'm beyond excited. I have already decided on a number of things to do while we are there, and I'm only hoping that the schedule permits all of it! I want to take the railroad up to Pike's Peak, which is supposed to be phenomenal. The Garden of the Gods is also supposed to be amazing. There is Seven Falls (259 steps from the bottom to the top, but it's GORGEOUS and recognized by National Geographic, which definitely piques my interest), Cave of the Winds, Royal Gorge Bridge (country's highest suspension bridge at 1,054 feet), and of course, rafting the Arkansas river. We have 8 days to have our fun and see our figure skating stuff, but I'm excited. I still have to pack! We leave on Saturday (technically Sunday, but we're staying in Newark the night before since our flight is at 4:00AM) and I've not even started the packing process. I'm such a procrastinator. It'll be okay though, I'll make it work.

Anyways, I'm out for the night. I have to go let my dog out, then head down to mom's. I have to spend the night so she can take Olivia to skating at 7 in the morning. Joy!

Should I feel bad?

My day was pretty interesting. I woke up, gave my mother the list of things we needed at the playhouse. I get a phone call from one of my kitchen kids saying that she cannot come in until 9:00 instead of 7:00. Not a big deal, I'd cover for her. Shortly after I hang up, Norman calls me. "Since you're so unhappy here, you don't have to come in this week. Your replacement is here and I think we're good." Okay, Norman. Have fun.

My mother is pissed, but said she's not going to say anything because she needs the job. He wouldn't even let me finish my rightful two-weeks. Whatever. How is he going to train the new girl? If he was smart about things, he would have had her shadow me the entire week. Yes, I'd like to see Norman suffer, but not the playhouse.

My mother went up tonight to drop off the stuff she shopped for, and to bake the cakes and such for the week. What does she see? The bar is a disaster. Instead of having the three white wines in one sink full of ice, the girl has all the sinks full of ice, and one bottle in each sink. This leaves her no dump sink for mistakes, empties or washing utensils. Her juices aren't out as well. This I could have prevented. Two new guys are scheduled for Cabaret, and had I been there I could have gone over things needed with them. Our Cabaret starts at about 10:15. Our coffee urns must be up and running by 7:00 in order to have hot, coffee colored coffee by 10:15. If not, it's ice cold and looks like weak tea. The urns were not on when my mother left at 9:30. I could have prevented that. There was no bread or cookies for the actors. I usually made the wal-mart runs for that. There was no produce. I did that as well. We have a matinee lunch for 106 tomorrow morning that I coordinate. How is someone who has never done a matinee lunch, with new kitchen kids who also have never done them, going to manage a crowd that is over our usual number of guests? How is she going to over-see the resetting of a tavern she, herself, has never set? It's not something I learned overnight, so how can he expect someone unfamiliar with the entire playhouse to grasp onto something that is complex? (I hung out for a year before working it, and even then, I shadowed Gibbs for a couple of weeks.) I chuckle at the fact that not allowing me to finish my final week was a mistake. Norman didn't think things through. He asked my mother if she could do the wal-mart and produce runs and she said "No. Jessica did that. I don't have the time." Now he's S.O.L, and running around frantically trying to put things together. I was going to put in a liquor order today, but left the number at my house, instead of in my purse like I normally have it. I had planned on heading up to my house before work to place an order, but then I got the phone call. A big F-YOU to Norman now, as he has no Pinot Grigio, two bottles of Merlot and no idea of which liquor company to call. He also doesn't know what beer we get from the beer guy, so that should be interesting.

I also know that if I do not get my full two weeks worth of salary, I am going to raise a big stink. I will take him down if he refuses. There are a number of labor law infractions I can call him out on, and will not think twice about doing so. (The fact that we do not get an actual break while working 12+ hour days is but one...)

Call me bitter, call me a bitch. I'm a person who was thoroughly disrespected, and who takes great pleasure in knowing that I did something at the playhouse.

And end to the negative.

I finally did it. I stood up for myself and would not back down. After more than a month of being told I do not work hard and that I can't manage people and that basically I'm worthless, I gave my two week notice to Norman today. I love the playhouse and tried to make it to Richard's first year, but I couldn't subject myself to the emotional abuse anymore. The latest was being yelled at over bug juice. I don't get paid enough for that. I put a job with benefits on hold to be here and what did it get me? Ridicule. I'm going to list some of the things I did this season:

Cooked a full meal for 50+ people.
Cooked parts of meals.
Scheduling.
Ordering liquor.
Ordering beer.
Ordering linens.
Ordering soda products.
Totalling time sheets.
Hauling trash.
Hauling tables.
Digging through trash to find a lost beef roast.
Digging through a dumpster to find a lost ratchet strap.
Cleaning bathrooms.
Cleaning the tavern.
Cleaning the kitchen.
Cleaning the backstage rooms.
Ordering produce.
Shopping at walmart.
Bartending.
Managing the cabaret.
Cashering.

I was told I don't work hard. Fuck you, Norman.

I will miss the people and the good memories. I will not miss the tyrant.

Sober Dreaming

I know that I am the queen of the random dream. I understand that sometimes I have random dreams after I've been partying. What I don't understand is the dream I had lastnight.

I was pregnant. VERY pregnant. I was days away from my due date. I had no idea what the sex of my baby was, but I was thinking that it was a girl because I wasn't carrying low. I had one of those "Baby Story" stomachs with the random outtie belly button that I normally don't have. I have NO clue who the father was because his name wasn't spoken throughout the entire dream, nor did his face make an appearance. There was no ring on my finger, yet my mother seemed perfectly content with the pregnancy. I was living in a different house, although it was still decorated in a way that screamed "me." I remember visiting my Aunt Lisa, only to find out that my cousin Jill (16 years old) had just recently given birth. I was so upset that a) I didn't know that she was even pregnant and b) she's a teenage mother. I go home upset, and that's when the pain begins. It wasn't labor pain, as it was pain that I was able to endure, but it was an odd sensation that made me beg that I was in labor, thinking maybe it'd go away then. It was almost like the baby was pushing down, trying to break my water. I just breathed deeply and looked around the house. No baby clothes or items anywhere. Were they all in a designated room? I'm not sure. I just focused on breathing.

I woke up.

What the hell?

What...the...hell

I love facebook, but I am also starting to hate it. It's a way for everyone to stay in touch and of course the source of my beloved Farm Town, but it's also making me feel like a leper. 

A number of people from my high school (who I never talk to ever, but felt the need to add me as a friend) have caught my attention. People who were not only ugly physically, but ugly mentally and spiritually, are either engaged, married or pregnant. What? These were people who I never thought would be in a relationship with anyone, especially before the numbers of people who were GOOD people on the inside. 

Then, I look at a friend of mine from college. She's a nice person, very much plus size, but also had the ability to be overbearing and pushy. She is in a relationship, and has been for some time now. 

I'm happy for those people who have settled down and have their lives in order (Tris, Kristen), but I also wonder how some people could have found someone to be with, yet I can't. I'm always "just the friend." If I were a guy, I'd be the "nice guy" that no girl would want to date. 

Perhaps it's all coming down to the fact that I'm not handling having him around the playhouse well, or perhaps it's because I'm just frustrated that asshole bitches can find men. Either way, I need a good night's sleep and a good day to follow. 

Curiouser and Curiouser

He arrived yesterday. The first time I saw him was when the dinner bell rang and they all filed inside. How did that work out? I was trying to find an actor to let him know he had a different dinner option in the back (he's very lactose intolerant) and I had to pass him. No eye contact, no hello, nothing.

That was the first punch.

I'm in the kitchen eating, as to avoid any awkwardness in public. He comes in, my mother begins talking to him. He only addresses me as an after-thought with "How are you?" Then continues to talk to my mother and Olivia.

Second Punch.

We hang out on the back deck lastnight. Corn hole fun. Everyone is talking. He will not even so much as look at me.

KO.

Apparently he looked at Matt (the kitchen staff who kinda started this whole thing by being drunk and only 16) and then turned his head and walked away when he saw him yesterday. I also found out that they have planned their camping trip f0r this afternoon. I can't go because of work on Monday. The one event that I look forward to every year, and I can't go. This season is starting off beautifully.

I slept here lastnight because mom needed the car. Coda is at my aunt's kennel, mom has the car, and I'm here all day until she comes in to cook. Thankfully he is leaving for North/South lake at lunch. Then I'll have some time to think.

Three weeks. Can I get through three weeks without wanting to stab myself in the neck?
Here's hoping.

Catskills Monticello Bungalow Sullivan County

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeW-qLs3eNE

Sent from my iPhone

Maturation

I've become friends with women at the ice skating rink that my sister skates at. They are either coaches or mothers of skaters, but we have fun when we all are together. 

Every Saturday afternoon, we go to lunch after skating. Yesterday was no exception. Stephanie (Olivia's coach), Debbie (A skating mom), my mother and I were in attendance. We talk about a whole list of things from skating to ailments to relationships. I was talking about starting back at the playhouse when Stephanie asked me about Luke. I explained that he and I have not spoken since July, despite my efforts to attempt to salvage our friendship. This then led into Debbie and Stephanie saying that I just need to have sex. They explained to me that I should have sex with him. "Be aggressive about it and get it. Get down and dirty. Just do it." Debbie then turns to me and asks "You're not still a virgin, are you?" Forgetting that my mother was sitting across from me at the table I say "no" and go on with the conversation. I end up with two pats on the arm from my mother and a "Wow, you said that in front of your mother. I'm proud" from Debbie. 

What...the...hell. 

I know that my mother has had an IDEA about this, but I never confirmed it for her. Until yesterday.

Wonderful.

Woes of the mind

I'm not sure what to do. I'm sleepless, and it's all due to these dreams I've been having. I'm going to "nut shell" these dreams, and they're up for interpretation. If you have a theory, let me know. Perhaps there is a way for me to end them. 

Let me say before I begin, that I have not spoken to Luke since July. I haven't thought much about him, as I really haven't had time to worry about something so juvenile. 

Okay, so:

The dreams take place in one of two places: The playhouse or a beautiful garden in ancient Greece. (Yes, I'm aware that I have an overactive imagination. Blame it on the books I read.)

Things usually happen as normal, especially while I'm in the playhouse. I'll be talking to someone, or cleaning up, and he'll walk into the room. A number of the dreams have included him yelling at me for something trivial. I'll not be wiping the bar correctly, or I'll say something to someone else that he isn't fond of. It always ends up with me feeling like a schmuck and him walking out. Other times, he'll walk in and be "Old Luke," the friendly guy who always has something to talk about. The thing is, he'll come in completely out of the blue. He will not even be at the playhouse at the time (he'll be back home) and yet he'll make an appearance. When the dreams take place in Greece, he'll argue with whoever I'm with, while wearing a toga. 

What the crap? 

It's been awhile.

I have definitely been a slacker with my new blog. I have not posted since January, so PLENTY has happened.

I have managed to come down with a version of the plague.
I am not sure why, but I have managed to stay in a perpetual state of illness since January. I was at IKEA (an amazing store, by the way, that sold me two book cases at $45 each. Oh, and a plethora of other home goods that have managed to slightly improve my living space's visual dynamic) when I doubled over with a cough that literally took my breath away. I cried in IKEA. I broke all of the blood vessels in my eyelids and under my eyes. I broke blood vessels around my mouth. I produced blood from my coughs. I was out of work for a week straight. I lost my voice and my ability to control my bladder functions. (peeing your pants each time you cough is NOT okay when you're 23.) I have not fully recovered from whatever it was that I had. I maintain a constant cough, my tonsils are still easily the size of golf balls and I've talked myself into a diagnosis of esophageal cancer. (Watching GMA has not helped ease my hypochondria, as apparently drinking hot beverages can increase your chances of being diagnosed with said type of cancer. I have literally burned off taste buds and had blisters on the roof of my mouth because of how hot I like soup, coffee and tea.) I'm thankful that I have been at my job long enough to qualify for benefits. I have submitted my paperwork for health insurance and am waiting for my cards to arrive in the mail. I will then visit every doctor I can afford co-payments for and have EVERYTHING tested. Thyroid, Lyme Disease check, cancer screenings... I know, I really need to do something other than self diagnose myself.

Coda, my pup, turned one and was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.
I am anal retentive. All of my close friends know this. When Coda comes inside the house after being outside, I do tick checks. (This is one reason I miss Florida. Ticks did not exist. It cannot be avoided up here.) I have NEVER seen a tick on my dog. I take him in for his rabies vaccination along with a wellness exam to find out that he has one of four strains of Lyme and now needs two and a half tablets of a $30 antibiotic for 35 days. I walk out spending nearly $300. I cry and call myself a bad pet owner. I vow to eradicate the tick population before my untimely death. I then find a dear tick crawling on my pants. (begin freak out.) Decide that if my dog managed to get bitten without my knowledge, it is inevitable that I have been bitten and probably have some strain of the disease as well. Cry because at this very point in my life, I am broke. Not a penny to my name.

I have nearly $2000 in propane delivered in a three month period.
I. Crap. My. Pants. What the hell? I am so incredibly cheep when it comes to heat. My thermostat hit 70 degrees for an hour a day for one solid week. (This of course being the week of my plague.) Other than that, it is at 60 degrees at the most, 50 when I'm out of the house. I shower every other day. (call me nasty if you wish. You pay for propane to heat your house, water and work your stove and oven. Tell me how much you do to eliminate the need for multiple deliveries.) I wait until I have a full sink of dishes before washing them. (Trista, can you believe it? I allow dishes to sit *after rinsing in cold water of course* in my sink until I have enough to call for hot water.) The insulation in my house is AWFUL. I am calling my landlord tonight to discuss this issue, as I currently need a propane delivery, but still owe $580 from my most recent delivery. He said he'd work with me if the cost was high. (Keep your fingers crossed for me!)

I have read MANY books.
It's amazing really. Since this past summer, I have been a reading machine. I had to buy the IKEA book cases because the bakers rack I was using as a book case was full. I put my DVDs in one, and books in the other. I have no more room for any of EITHER item. I have read the entire twilight series (4 books), the entire house of night series (5 currently released, one more to come), a meg cabot book I didn't get to this summer, started the goddess series by P.C. Cast (2 out of 6?), read two books consisting of three vampire stories each, a book called kissed by an angel, and have started three more. I have no social life, so I read. I enjoy it.

I have spent a lot of time with my mother.
This is good and bad. We of course had an awful fight not too terribly long ago. (We have since reconciled.) I have been attending a lot of Olivia's skating events with her. I come to her house every weekend to visit with her and with my grandfather, who comes for Sunday morning breakfast.

I have watched "Marley and Me" and decided that it is entirely too depressing.
Perhaps it's because I'm a pet owner. Perhaps it's because the damn dog dies of what I was warned about by my vet. Perhaps it's because I'm a softy. All I know is that I held my dog and cried throughout the end of the film. Sad...

I have yelled at people on Ebay.
I, thanks to a wonderful review by Kristen, decided to purchase the Furminator. (A brush for dogs and cats that eliminates excess shedding.) Instead of spending upwards of $40 for the brush, I looked on Ebay. Bingo! Buy it now price for a brand new Furminator, including priority shipping: $26.00! I paid with my paypal account on Sunday, and here I wait. Still. For a package coming from Tampa, Florida. That cost me $8.00 in shipping. For PRIORITY shipping. Oh hell no. I received an e-mail on Friday saying that a shipping label had been printed for my order. I click the tracking number to see that it has yet to be mailed. I contact the seller, telling her that I was unhappy with the speed of her shipping, especially since she offered (and I paid for) priority shipping. She blows it off. I then e-mail her with an explanation of how I mailed a 20lb package to NEW YORK from FLORIDA for $7.00. It arrived (USPS, snail mail, not PRIORITY) in two days. I demand a FULL refund of my shipping costs. No reply as of yet. I'm waiting to see what is said. I may just dispute the transaction if she blows me off again.

I have enjoyed the kids that I work with, not my supervisor.
He's a typical man, expects everyone to do his work. I have brought it before his supervisor. I have brought it to him. I will not do his work while he gets credit. I will not cover for him when he does something stupid. I will do what is expected of me for the kids. He is a little better than before. (He didn't know how to fill out the book about toileting and eating, which is STANDARD. He doesn't fill out the bathroom log. He schedules himself to work with a female, which is against center policy. I called him out, things are starting to change.) The kids are amazing. I always leave work feeling as though I've made the student's day a little brighter. I'm actually sad that I will not be working with them this summer.

That's me in a nutshell. Crazy, but still fun. :-)

Romantic thoughts.

I never actually thought it would happen... but I am now a Twilight
fan. After being persuaded to read the series by two of my cousins, I
decided to give it a shot. After reading twilight, the first book of
the series, I couldn't stop. I wanted to read more. It was a deeply
rooted fixation that had made me craving more of the twisted tales. I
owned the second book thanks to someone leaving it behind at the
playhouse, so I dove right in. I found myself wanting more when I had
finished the second book, so I drove to Ellenville after work to
borrow the last two from my cousin. I finished the last book of the
series a little over an hour ago.

What is it about these books that had me coming back for more? The
writing was basic and at times immature in style, yet I couldn't put
them down. The stories dance around tales of warewolves and vampires
and yet that didn't stop me. I looked to see if perhaps my dreams
would give me away. Nothing but a dream about new kids on the block
and work. What was it that had a hold on me?

It hit me shortly before I started the third book...
IT WAS THE ROMANCE.

True to form, I had latched on to a book that told a story of intense,
unwavering love. Ugh. Of course. I found myself reading about such an
intense love and wishing I could experience such a thing. A vampire
novel had my stomach in knots. I have sat here replaying scenes of the
books over again in my head, wondering if it were possible to have
such a burning desire to be with another person. Of course, my mind
then raced to the faces of my friends who are experiencing that desire
right now. The desire to do anything for the person you love. The
desire to be as close to them not only emotionally but physically as
well. My mind danced between jealousy and guilt for quite awhile. It
has just now settled on a completley different emotion: despiration.

Why have I not found that kind of relationship? Will I ever find it?
What happens if I never find it?

I know that this questioning is no good as it typically only leads to
depression, but I simply cannot help but question my romantic fate.
Why is it that everyone I know is pairing up and so deeply in love?
How come I haven't even been on a date in what seems like eternity? Am
I truly destined to be alone? Scenes of weddings and babies play in my
mind as if I'll experience it soon. I mentally know I'm not ready for
children yet, but I can't help but feel as though time is slipping
away, and I'll never get my chance. I'll never be the bride, the wife,
the mother...

I'm only 23. Yes, I can see 24 creeping towards me, but that certainly
shouldn't put my emotions into overdrive. I'm certainly not entering
my barren days of womanhood, yet I feel as though if something doesn't
happen romantically soon, it never will happen at all.

I feel silly to let books do it to me, but the more I look at it, the
more I find other things doing it to me as well. Movies, tv shows, co-
workers, my family. Mom has made cracks at me saying "We will never
find a man for you" or "who knows when a man will take you away." As
much as I know she's joking, it still stokes a chord deep in my core.
I want to find love. I want to be needed as much as I need another. I
want to feel safe in his arms and happy to be held by him. I want to
work at a relationship. I to say "I do forever" and actually mean it.
I want to look into his eyes and see the future father of my children.

I know that if it's meant to happen then it will in time. I'm just not
sure I'm strong enough to wait. Until then, I'm off to drown myself in
my sappy romance movies (dangerous beauty) and wipe my eyes.

Post of substance

New Years Resolution: Move On.

Move on. Two words that are fully loaded. What should one move on from? In my case, it's a plethora of things. I'm tired of feeling bogged down by stress. I am ready to cut my losses and move ahead. I'm not going to pretend that this is not going to be a continual struggle, but I think I'm going to win this battle.

What will this resolution require?
1) I must escape my past financial struggles of 2008 and start saving for 2009.
With a substancial amount of medical bills on top of student loan payments, I have found myself getting by with pennies to spare. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, and I am now in a position where I'm making enough money to start saving. The first bit of excess money I have from my pay will be put aside. I will not be spending money on frivilous things anymore. If I am ahead of my bills and have put some in savings, then I may consider treating myself. There's nothing that I really NEED anymore, so I'm going to start thinking twice before buying.
2) I must not feel solely responsible for any relationship failure, past or present.
I cannot honestly admit to myself or anyone else, that I have moved on from the issues from this past summer. I have tried to forget about it all, but losing a friend is never easy. I have attempted to make contact, via facebook and text messages, but have realized that a reply is not likely. A fight that I figured would take just a couple days to cool down from has now spanned months, and I personally felt as though it was completley my fault. Looking back, we were both in the wrong. Name calling should not have occured, and a civil conversation should have been the way to go. Mistakes were made on both sides, so I cannot feel as though it was a one sided failure. I can only hope that time will bring an end to this, and that we can become friends again. If not, hopefully time will remove the heartache that still remains. I have also decided that the family issues that have presented themselves are ones that are not one sided as well. I just hope that we will be able to patch up relationships and continue to be a family. I would sincerely hate to see my family fall even further apart.
3) I must move on from the idea that I will continue to be romantically alone.
I am a continually negative thinker when it comes to ideas of love and romance. I have felt as though there is no happy ending for me. At 23, I have plenty of time to fall in love and get married. I'm in no rush to settle down. I would just like to simply find someone to spend time with and feel comfortable around. I am tired of feeling unloveable, and so I refuse to spend time thinking about my lack of a romantic relationship. I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have a right to be loved, and eventually someone will realize this.
4) I must move on from my physical limitations.
Everyone pledges to get in shape for the new year. I pledge to continue my healthy lifestyle. I lost 40lbs this summer, and although I've gained about 15 back, I am committed to continue losing. I have decided to continue my eating habits, exercise more and feel good about whatever size I am at any given moment. Just because I am not a size 2 does not mean that I am not healthy and attractive.

I am hoping that with my new job, revised attitude and confidance, my resolution to Move On will not become a failure. I'm hoping that with those strong friendships I do have with some people, I will have the support to move on. Just keep going. Keep believing. Keep reminding yourself that YOU are worth it.

Disclaimer

Before I begin posting in a new and unfamiliar blog, I am forced by prior circumstances to provide you with an insider's guide to reading any of my entries.

I am a bluntly honest person who uses a blog space to discuss events, ideas, theories and emotional occurances. I do not withold my fellings, nor should I have to. It was your decision to click the link of this blog, therefore it was your decision to accept my words for what they are. I welcome discussion, but please be aware: discussion does not equal personal attacks.

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