Romantic thoughts.

I never actually thought it would happen... but I am now a Twilight
fan. After being persuaded to read the series by two of my cousins, I
decided to give it a shot. After reading twilight, the first book of
the series, I couldn't stop. I wanted to read more. It was a deeply
rooted fixation that had made me craving more of the twisted tales. I
owned the second book thanks to someone leaving it behind at the
playhouse, so I dove right in. I found myself wanting more when I had
finished the second book, so I drove to Ellenville after work to
borrow the last two from my cousin. I finished the last book of the
series a little over an hour ago.

What is it about these books that had me coming back for more? The
writing was basic and at times immature in style, yet I couldn't put
them down. The stories dance around tales of warewolves and vampires
and yet that didn't stop me. I looked to see if perhaps my dreams
would give me away. Nothing but a dream about new kids on the block
and work. What was it that had a hold on me?

It hit me shortly before I started the third book...
IT WAS THE ROMANCE.

True to form, I had latched on to a book that told a story of intense,
unwavering love. Ugh. Of course. I found myself reading about such an
intense love and wishing I could experience such a thing. A vampire
novel had my stomach in knots. I have sat here replaying scenes of the
books over again in my head, wondering if it were possible to have
such a burning desire to be with another person. Of course, my mind
then raced to the faces of my friends who are experiencing that desire
right now. The desire to do anything for the person you love. The
desire to be as close to them not only emotionally but physically as
well. My mind danced between jealousy and guilt for quite awhile. It
has just now settled on a completley different emotion: despiration.

Why have I not found that kind of relationship? Will I ever find it?
What happens if I never find it?

I know that this questioning is no good as it typically only leads to
depression, but I simply cannot help but question my romantic fate.
Why is it that everyone I know is pairing up and so deeply in love?
How come I haven't even been on a date in what seems like eternity? Am
I truly destined to be alone? Scenes of weddings and babies play in my
mind as if I'll experience it soon. I mentally know I'm not ready for
children yet, but I can't help but feel as though time is slipping
away, and I'll never get my chance. I'll never be the bride, the wife,
the mother...

I'm only 23. Yes, I can see 24 creeping towards me, but that certainly
shouldn't put my emotions into overdrive. I'm certainly not entering
my barren days of womanhood, yet I feel as though if something doesn't
happen romantically soon, it never will happen at all.

I feel silly to let books do it to me, but the more I look at it, the
more I find other things doing it to me as well. Movies, tv shows, co-
workers, my family. Mom has made cracks at me saying "We will never
find a man for you" or "who knows when a man will take you away." As
much as I know she's joking, it still stokes a chord deep in my core.
I want to find love. I want to be needed as much as I need another. I
want to feel safe in his arms and happy to be held by him. I want to
work at a relationship. I to say "I do forever" and actually mean it.
I want to look into his eyes and see the future father of my children.

I know that if it's meant to happen then it will in time. I'm just not
sure I'm strong enough to wait. Until then, I'm off to drown myself in
my sappy romance movies (dangerous beauty) and wipe my eyes.

Post of substance

New Years Resolution: Move On.

Move on. Two words that are fully loaded. What should one move on from? In my case, it's a plethora of things. I'm tired of feeling bogged down by stress. I am ready to cut my losses and move ahead. I'm not going to pretend that this is not going to be a continual struggle, but I think I'm going to win this battle.

What will this resolution require?
1) I must escape my past financial struggles of 2008 and start saving for 2009.
With a substancial amount of medical bills on top of student loan payments, I have found myself getting by with pennies to spare. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, and I am now in a position where I'm making enough money to start saving. The first bit of excess money I have from my pay will be put aside. I will not be spending money on frivilous things anymore. If I am ahead of my bills and have put some in savings, then I may consider treating myself. There's nothing that I really NEED anymore, so I'm going to start thinking twice before buying.
2) I must not feel solely responsible for any relationship failure, past or present.
I cannot honestly admit to myself or anyone else, that I have moved on from the issues from this past summer. I have tried to forget about it all, but losing a friend is never easy. I have attempted to make contact, via facebook and text messages, but have realized that a reply is not likely. A fight that I figured would take just a couple days to cool down from has now spanned months, and I personally felt as though it was completley my fault. Looking back, we were both in the wrong. Name calling should not have occured, and a civil conversation should have been the way to go. Mistakes were made on both sides, so I cannot feel as though it was a one sided failure. I can only hope that time will bring an end to this, and that we can become friends again. If not, hopefully time will remove the heartache that still remains. I have also decided that the family issues that have presented themselves are ones that are not one sided as well. I just hope that we will be able to patch up relationships and continue to be a family. I would sincerely hate to see my family fall even further apart.
3) I must move on from the idea that I will continue to be romantically alone.
I am a continually negative thinker when it comes to ideas of love and romance. I have felt as though there is no happy ending for me. At 23, I have plenty of time to fall in love and get married. I'm in no rush to settle down. I would just like to simply find someone to spend time with and feel comfortable around. I am tired of feeling unloveable, and so I refuse to spend time thinking about my lack of a romantic relationship. I am a strong, beautiful woman. I have a right to be loved, and eventually someone will realize this.
4) I must move on from my physical limitations.
Everyone pledges to get in shape for the new year. I pledge to continue my healthy lifestyle. I lost 40lbs this summer, and although I've gained about 15 back, I am committed to continue losing. I have decided to continue my eating habits, exercise more and feel good about whatever size I am at any given moment. Just because I am not a size 2 does not mean that I am not healthy and attractive.

I am hoping that with my new job, revised attitude and confidance, my resolution to Move On will not become a failure. I'm hoping that with those strong friendships I do have with some people, I will have the support to move on. Just keep going. Keep believing. Keep reminding yourself that YOU are worth it.

Disclaimer

Before I begin posting in a new and unfamiliar blog, I am forced by prior circumstances to provide you with an insider's guide to reading any of my entries.

I am a bluntly honest person who uses a blog space to discuss events, ideas, theories and emotional occurances. I do not withold my fellings, nor should I have to. It was your decision to click the link of this blog, therefore it was your decision to accept my words for what they are. I welcome discussion, but please be aware: discussion does not equal personal attacks.

If you feel as though you are willing to read my simple little blog with an open mind, then please, by all means, continue to read. Add it to your favorites if you so wish. Otherwise, thank you for visiting.