It has been quite awhile

Wow, it has been months since I've blogged. Looking back over the bullets from the new year, I've realized that already much had happened. I don't have the time or effort to get into it all in detail, so I will write about a few things so as to purge my mind of them for now. Hopefully you'll be able to tolerate it...haha

The beginning of February was marked by the loss of my cousin Sonny. He died of a freak cardiac episode which took everyone by surprise. My cousin had battled drug addiction (pot mostly) for a period of his life but had turned around and rid himself of it. He had a baby boy, 6 months old. It happened so suddenly that I was swept away in sadness. My cousin, one of the few who were a part of my life in Florida, one who I loved and enjoyed the company of was gone. I still remember him moving into the "treehouse" my uncle had built in the back yard. I remember the Rastafarian paint job he had given the interior. I remember his love for Bob Marley and Sublime. Normally in the wake of death, I am the rock of the family. I don't show my emotions in public and mourn on my own at home. This was impossible for me to do. I broke down and every time his name was mentioned or I saw a picture of him, I'd cry. Even now, writing this, my eyes are full of tears. I have many photos of him, but a framed picture of him with his son Sebastian rests on my bookcase so I am reminded of him each time I walk by. Sonny may not have been perfect, but he had the heart and spirit of an angel. He'd do anything in the world for his family, appreciated the little things and was proud of all accomplishments. I miss him, and always will. Now, my attention turns to my Uncle Richard, as the loss of his only son and eldest child has taken a toll on him. He wasn't in good health to begin with but has become worse. I pray every day that he will make it through this.

The firefighter and I are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Since Luke, I hadn't felt this close to anyone, and sadly it just fell apart. We are talking, "friendly" if you will, but I've finally admitted to myself that I miss him. I miss his son, who turns 3 today, just as much.

Despite the negative tone of this post, my life is at a point where I am content. My job is going well, I now work an hour and a half each day in daycare, which is fantastic. Who doesn't like playing with babies 7-18 mos. old at the end of the day? It also is $1.50 more an hour. All day long. It's been nice.

I don't know if being with the babies, my age or the fact that nearly every female friend I have is having babies, but my body is screaming at me to reproduce. For the first time in my life my PCOS has been under control and my cycles are regular. Eventually I'll catch up. Lol

The family is still the same. I have relationships with some, others have separated themselves from me. I just keep doing what I always do, showing respect and consideration, and eventually things will work out.

I am going to 5 concerts this summer and I cannot wait. It's about time I have fun. I've also purchased a hiking book for the area and intend on exploring new spots this year. Maybe even join a hiking club. I hear they do singles hikes. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.




-Jess

Online dating...again...

I'm telling you, it's tough out there. You pluck, shave, do your makeup just right, buy incredible shoes that make your legs look sexy and yet things still might not work out.

Guy #8 and I are still talking. Yes. Talking. Not meeting. Not seeing each other yet. To me, it's frustrating. We obviously have chemistry. He initiates all of the phone calls and half of the texts. We still have a lot to talk about and plenty in common. Why are we not dating, as the normal progression of male-female relationships would have happen? He says his job has him swamped. Now, I've known from day one that his job keeps him quite busy, however I'm from the school of thought that if you're into a girl, you find time for her. While I like (strike that, REALLY like) guy #8, I'm not getting my hopes up. If it happens, it happens. If not, there has to be someone else, right?

In the meantime, I'm still receiving messages. Let me highlight some of them for you.

Guy #9: (directly copied) i was just perhaps wondering if maybe ur georgus self would be still looking for mr.perfect??its not often a beautiful women of ur natural passion crosses paths with an average guy like me..but maybe that could all change if i may have 5 minutes of ur precious time to show u that ever guy isnt a jerk,but wants to get to know a georgus women as urself for who she really is.thanku&i hope i hear from ur beautiful self soon :)... (Guy #9 was good looking, incredible body, and also a fresh-faced 20 year old.) I replied with a simple "thanks but I'm looking for someone more my age" and thought I was done. Nope, this young tadpole replies with another novel that basically said he understands but is sad that I won't give him a chance. Sorry, kiddo.

Guy #10: OMG UR SO SEXY OMG. This is all you write? No thanks.

Guy #11:You're beautiful. I would love to get to know you. I work in the city for the FD. (Guy # 11 and I are still talking and planning a date soon.)

Guy #12: I am just move here from overseas. You pretty. Make good wife. Please reply me so I know you like be wife. I work for international relations company and teach English. Reply beautiful wife.

Okay, seriously guy #12? How many women do you think are desperate enough to accept an online proposal from someone claiming to teach a language he can barely communicate in? "Oh my, this man wants to marry me! This is my lucky day! We will have nothing in common and will have a difficult time understanding one another but this may be my only shot at finding a husband!" Wow, just typing that made me gag a little bit.

Guy #13: Want to chat? (Replied with "sure" as he's cute and local. Correspondence is slowly [read, painfully] coming along.)

Guy #14: I want to tie you up and whip you. (I want to suggest help...delete!)

Guy #15: I live close, but am looking for someone to be my girlfriend and my personal nurse. See, I have diabetes and am looking for someone to take care of me. My disease makes it hard to work. (Thanks but no thanks.)

Ah, there you have a few of my latest online dating encounters. There was an episode of Sex and the City which outlined the fact that most men are freaks. I can do nothing more than think they've all joined plenty of fish and have stumbled across my profile. Like I said, maybe things will work out with number 8, maybe they won't. Perhaps number 11 will work out. Perhaps I'll have to wait for a new set of outlandish messages before I find one semi-sane individual worthy of my time. Either way, at least it's been pretty entertaining.




-Jess

Hello again

Man oh man it's been awhile. I'm not sure why, but I haven't felt the need to blog lately. I decided after I had to do a factory reset on my phone and found an old blogging app I loved in my iTunes to come back and write about the goings-on.

If any of you are friends with me on facebook, I'm sure you've seen my posts about how much I hate Bank of America. I've been an account holder with BoA since 2003. In that time I've had so many issues with them. Account fraud that was almost unsolved because of their lack of mailing the necessary paperwork, overdraft fees on a positive balance, authorizing companies to take money from my account without notifying me, and the latest "you can't cash your check, but you can deposit it and access your money by Tuesday" fiasco. I have a positive balance in my account. The last overdraft issue was months ago, and was rectified quickly. (Only overdraft because of mother. Ugh.) Apparently I'm not allowed to cash my $512 payroll check because of account relations. What? When I asked about this, I was told that unless I had the money in my account to cover the check I was trying to cash (and then deposit in cash so I could access the money) then I would have to deposit the check. Apparently from now on, unless you keep $500 or more in your account at all times, your account relationship is shady at best and they hold your money hostage from Friday until Tuesday morning. I asked to close my account yesterday. I was told if have to wait for the 4 other people before me and it'd probably not happen today because it was getting close to closing. I asked if I could make an appointment so I wouldn't run into this problem. The branch manager is first come first served. Appointments don't exist. Oh BoA, I hate you.

I will be removing my money on Tuesday, closing my account and moving my business elsewhere.

Work has been interesting. I finally made my case for a transfer which should be happening by the end of the year. Until then, I remain covered in bruises and mentally and physically exhausted. I was asked to teach a toddler music class at a montessori school three mornings a week, but since it's not full-time I was forced to decline. If it becomes a full-time position, they said they would call me and make me an offer. Since they've only been open for a month, they said it might take time to boost enrollment. Keep your fingers crossed!

Things with Jordan have been amazing. We are quickly approaching one year together and it blows my mind. I'm trying to figure out something special for our anniversary. :-) I still hate that I only see him on weekends, but he's keeping his eyes open for a job in this area so he can move in. Keep your fingers crossed for him. I know I am.

Mom just recently had surgery on her knee, but thankfully she's doing alright. They fixed her tendon (it was twisted sideways), shaved the bone shards off of the kneecap and drilled a hole through the bone to allow for constant bleeding in order to re-grow cartilage. She has to put no weight on her foot for 6 more weeks, but her doctor said she'll make a full recovery. This will also allow her partially torn achilles tendon to heal as well.

Anywho, I'm going to head back to my book. Hope this update finds you well.

The reason we own pets.

Being on spring break has offered me a chance to relax and recharge mentally and physically. What has helped me do this? Honestly, being with my dog Coda.

Over the past week, I've realized that my dog is a continual source of entertainment. Sure, if he does something dog-like that I feel is naughty I stress over it, but that comes with anything in life. (thankfully coda has been pretty good lately...)

I have played with him, walked with him, eaten with him and tested with him. I've also thought a lot about the reason I have him and why he's such a major part of my life.

When I adopted Coda, I had just moved out on my own. No roommate, no family down the road. I wanted someone here with me to help keep away the feelings of lonliness. He did just that. He wagged his tail and looked happy to see me when I got home. He kept me busy walking and playing and cleaning up after him. He gave me a sense of security at night. It was perfect.

It still is pretty perfect. I believe that Coda is a lot like me in the way he acts. He is fiercly loyal to those he loves and yet he can be friendly to everyone. (Jordan and I got into a tickle fight and when I screamed, Coda snarled at him and jumped on him. He didn't get violent, but his warning was heard. Moments later he was curled up in Jordan's lap as though nothing happened.) Coda is skittish and barks at everything (I hear every noise in and out of this house and sometimes it freaks me out) and often moans about noises that bother him. (If I sneeze while he is sleeping, he moans, opens his eyes and gives me a look like "thanks. I was having a great dream!" Coda is clumsy and yet can run like a psycho around the house and any obsticle (suitcase) laying around with such grace that it astounds me. He's playful and lazy and he honestly prefers fresh veggies to kibble. He is a doggie contradiction, and I love him.

I believe that people own pets because it gives them a sense of accomplishment. We are proud of the commands they obey. We are proud of how beautiful they are. We are proud of how well they play with others. We are especially proud of the feeling of relationship success we have with our pets. We care for them day in and day out. They see our good and bad sides and yet not much can destroy the relationship we have with them. It's not like the relationships we have with people. If we get short with our friends or lash out at them because of stress, we may end up with one less friend. I've yelled at coda unfairly because of stress and yet he still wakes me up with doggy kisses and always wants to lay beside me to sleep. He can tell if I'm upset and always finds a way to cheer me up. He even has his own little way of apologizing after he's done something wrong. It may be considered "lame" to blog about your pet, but I figured that such an essential part of my life should be talked about and honored. Two years of dog ownership has taught me a lot about myself, and I'm thankful for the experience. I'm also thankful for the friend it has brought me in Coda. He's the best first dog a girl could ask for.

Ice Ice baby

Man oh man, where has the time gone? Oh, I know. It's gone into working, playing on the weekends (sometimes with the boy) and skating. Lots of skating. I was approached by my coach about participating in my first Figure Skating competition and so I said "sure, let's do it." Man, I should have realized that my OCD and type A personality would make this more difficult on me than it needs to be. I'm a perfectionist at heart, and try to push myself to be the best at everything I set out to do. This causes me grief on the ice. I have changed my music twice, mostly because I knew I could find something better. I ended up with "It's just a house" from the Up Soundtrack and I love it. I have only been skating with my music for a short time, and yet I have only Monday night left to practice before the competition is here. I know that I have only been skating for a short time, yet I expect things to be perfect while I am out there. I'm also dealing with the fact that I am stuck between skating levels, and cannot do some of the things I can do because of deductions. This simplifies my program a bit, and makes it that much more irritating to me. I lost this past Saturday of skating due to back issues (that I haven't figured out the cause to) and am really hoping that come tomorrow night, I'll be where I need to be to take home the gold.

Things with work have been good. I was told by one of the directors of the Education department that I am an asset to the company and they really hope that I pursue a higher position within the center. I was told that I work well with the kids and that they respond very well to me. I have "a natural talent when it comes to being in a classroom working with children or staff." It was very nice to hear, and it came at the right time. I was starting to get frustrated with my position, but now it's helping me push myself and do what I need to do to to move up the ladder.

The man is coming up for Valentine's weekend, and I can't wait. Despite it being the competition weekend, it should be a good time. I'm trying to figure out what to cook for him for Valentine's dinner and am coming up with no ideas. Hopefully with some research I'll be good to go.

That's all for now. My 12-in-12 will be coming up soon. Keep your eye out!

You've got to ice it.

Trainers have it right. You put ice on an injury to help it heal. It helps take the pressure off. The swelling reduces. Funny how the same can be true about skating and dealing with life.

I've found my skating sessions to be theraputic. While sitting on the bench, I think through all of the things that are bothering me. With each lace I pull tighter, I release one of those thoughts. With each stroke across the ice, I think about the positive things in my life. With each successful move I make, I cheer for myself and feel as though this is what I need to be doing. I can walk into the lobby with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and as soon as my session is over I'm smiling and ready for the next phase of my day. I always want more time. My three hours of skating a week never seems like enough.

I loved weightlifting when I was in High School. I loved it so much that it became a secondary option had I not been accepted by Stetson. I was scouted by an Olympic trainer and was asked to train with him. I still, however, never felt as at peace with that sport as I do with figure skating. It's strange.

This past weekend was my first competition. I was in two events, and placed first in both. I was proud of myself. All of that practice and effort paid off. I received complements by many. I left wanting more. More skating. More testing. More competing. It's addicting.

The skating also brought a slight change in my relationship with the man. (Boy seems wrong to say. Boyfriend...manfriend...I donno.) He came to be supportive of me, and in turn had to meet my mom, sister and entire extended skating family. He did well and was a real trooper. Even though he was shy, everyone really liked him. We girls always try to convince ourselves that the opinions of of family only count a little, but truthfully it matters more than that. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when mom called me and said she approved. It made it that much easier to like him. Not only did he put himself in that awkward social situation for me, but he spoiled me rotten on Valentine's Day. I've never been so happy and surprised by a guy I've dated like that before. I can't help but like him and the time we spend together. :-)

See? Ice it and it all gets better. I think I'm going to continue this thought for awhile. Perhaps more good luck will come my way.

-- Jessica

Frustrations

I love and hate Facebook. I've made that clear multiple times. I've been given some information via Facebook that turns my stomach.

Rewind to my Senior year of High School. I had a friend named Jessica. We were good friends. We hung out with the same basic circle of friends, and I even dated (and had relations) with her older brother Jeff. Jessica got pregnant while she was in school. When she told her mom, her mother kicked her out of the house. Me being the great friend I am, asked my mother if she could stay with us until things got better. Jessica stayed with us for MONTHS. Nearly through her full pregnancy. Jessica had the baby, quit school and moved into her own apartment. (She did, however, get her H.S. Diploma a few months later.) Her mom welcomed her back into the family again as if nothing ever happened. I left for college. A month into being at Stetson, I found out that Jessica's child died of SIDS. It was heartbreaking, but I felt it was also somewhat of a miracle, as Jessica had no help raising her child (her mom was too busy to help, and the father wasn't around), and she didn't have the means to take care of herself, let alone a child. I figured this would allow Jessica to start over, and really be able to make something of herself.

What happens?

She gets pregnant again, with a different guy, and has her son. She does alright for herself. Struggles something awful. When I would come home to visit, I'd stop in at her apartment. (I'd always have to take anything worth while out of my car, for fear that it wouldn't be there when I returned to it.) She still wasn't in a good position to raise her son, but she did her best. She had state assistance, but also worked full time to earn the money she needed. Her dreams of school were extinguished.

I find out a couple of years ago that she is pregnant again. Still living in the same apartment. Still in the same boat. No money, no man, bad situation. She's having a girl. I think "How on Earth is she surviving? How are those kids getting along? She has no money for anything, and her family doesn't help her at all!" Seeing pictures of her son, his front teeth are black, but he looks healthy besides that. (I can't stand baby teeth that haven't fallen out being rotten with cavities. That drives me bonkers.) Her daughter looks good. Jessica seems sad, depressed and unsure of the direction her life has taken her in. She busts her ass at the same job she's had since High School (working at the local Winn Dixie) to provide, and she is still on state assistance.

Jessica and I have started talking again, and I find out that she is pregnant for a third time. This time, the kicker: She has NO home to live in. She's currently trying to figure out where she and her two children will live, and yet she's pregnant with another one.

Condoms are cheap. Birth Control is cheap if not free at Planned Parenthood. Abstinence is free.

She is now going to have three children by three different men. She has no home, no steady job (as Winn Dixie laid her off not too long ago) and no support. Her family isn't around, and neither are the father's of the babies. Now, my sister has three kids by three different men, but her situation was different. Her first child is from her Husband. They got divorced, she had her son with her boyfriend who took off. She had full benefits from her job, a steady job, a home of her own AND the support of her family. Her third child came from her current husband who also legally adopted her two other kids.

Jessica is not in a good situation, but I cannot feel sorry for her. It was her life choices that led her in this direction. It was her poor planning and careless thinking that put her in this situation. I do, however, feel endlessly sorry for her kids. Her kids, even though young, are being uprooted, and God knows when they will have a home that will be their home for years. They're going to be fed the worst possible foods because of their inexpensive cost, they are going to see their mother struggle to make ends meat and to provide, and that to me is just sad.

I mean, Jesus! That would be like me getting pregnant right now. I have a place to live, but I'm not going to say that I've never been late on my rent. I can't say that I haven't had to borrow to pay my bills before. It's not often, but once is enough in my book. Yes, I've managed to take care of a dog for nearly a year and a half yet, but I also haven't had to take him to the vet more than a check-up here and rabies shot there. Could I care for a child right now? No way! There is no doubt in my mind that my mother would do everything in her power for me and my child, but with no husband/partner and no financial stability, I could not even think of having a child. Perhaps it's the fact that I want my child to have all of the necessities, or perhaps it's because I lived in a single parent home where she struggled to pay for things. I don't want my child to ever live in a house where the electric gets turned off or where the fridge has nothing more than some milk and juice in it. I want my child to have the childhood I had and more, and I will not allow myself to bring a child into this world until I know that that will happen. (Although, seriously, how would I even get pregnant right now? There's no man, no prospect of a man, no man in my town, nothing.)

Now that my rant is over, I'm going to read something other than facebook posts for awhile.

Ugh

I'm not sure why the body behaves the way it does, but I don't like it. Why of course it's possible to breathe through an opening the size of a drinking straw, but I'm pretty sure not getting enough oxygen in my blood stream is going to create other problems.

Anyway, despite my illness, things on the home front are alright. My war against mice seems over. I caught a total of 8 mice, and I haven't caught of heard anymore since the last one. We'll see.


Tomorrow is skating lesson number two, and I'm going to go try on a pair of decent skates, since the rentals suck. I enjoy being on skates. It reminds me of all the time I used to spend on rollerblades.

I finished the 8th book in the Sookie stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, and I plan on picking up book 9 tomorrow. Such a good series!

Off to get ready for work.

-- Jessica

12 in 12

The alarm I'm setting on my phone as a back-up for every upcoming Saturday morning. I'm thinking that the pain of waking up that early will be worth it in the long run.






I have to wear thin, nylon socks for skating. Apparently cotton socks hold moisture in and make your feet freeze. They are also too thick for a good fit in your skates.






At about 3:30 in the afternoon I began to crash. I pulled out a book and a bottle of white mango acai tea to pick my energy level up.






Mom was making turkey pot pie for dinner, but I left before it was finished baking. My poor dog had been alone for far too long.






Clean laundry from the week before still at mom's. I'm a slacker.






So beyond tired on my way home. I couldn't even pretend to be awake.






One little surprise waiting for me when I returned. Coda had chewed through my surge protector cord while it was plugged in. I have had this surge protector since freshman year of high school. I now have no way of plugging my tv, alarm clock and DVD player in at the same time. I have to use an outdoor extension cord for the time being to have a working tv in my room.






After lecturing my dog about chewing the things he shouldn't, he decided he was going to be cute.







Watching husband number 2 on a re-run of true blood. Such a good show. (and yea, Alexander skarsgard is husband number 2.)






Damn mice and their damn turds. Another little surprise waiting for me when I got home. War against mice begins tomorrow.






The laundry I didn't get to do today, but will be brought to moms to do tomorrow.






My empty September calander. Nothing exciting written, aside from true bloods finale and some birthdays.

And there is your 12 in 12.
-- Jessica

Random thoughts

This post will probably be all over the place, but I figure it's best to get the thoughts out of my head while I can. :-)

MTV has a new show, and I am really upset with it. It's called "16 and Pregnant" and it chronicles the lives of teenage parents. So far, I've watched 5 episodes. 4 of the 5 teens kept the baby. The one I watched today made me cry, because the parents decided to give the baby up for adoption. The parents were FURIOUS, yet they themselves couldn't provide a stable home environment for the teenage parents. The teens were wise beyond their years, and sadly had to be parents to their own parents. To be selfless and not to think about yourself but the well-being of your child is a difficult thing, but I commend this couple for what they did. For the other episodes of the show, it almost glorified children having children. What will our youth learn from these shows? Oh, it's okay to be a teenage parent? Mom and Dad will take care of my little family? I know it's a growing problem, but really? Do we need to televise it? Why not televise all of the ADULT parents who are struggling to provide for their kids? The ones who waited, and still don't have everything in order. Show our youth that even if you try to plan a child, it doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Raising a child is difficult, emotionally, physically as well as monetarily. Ugh...

Today was a hiking day for me. We (Bek, Bree, Jill, Olivia and I) went up to North/South Lake (a state park/camp ground) to hike up to artist's rock (for lunch) then to continue on to sunset rock. We had a good time and really enjoyed the fact that the sun wasn't beating down on us. (It was pretty cloudy for the most part, and it threatened to rain on us a number of times.) We finished our hike at North/South Lake and continued on to Kaaterskill Falls. Kaaterskill falls is the tallest waterfall in the state, and it is by far one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. It's a half mile from the road to the base of the falls, and it's all steps. Literally. Try walking up stairs that go up a solid 75 degrees and are nothing but mud, rocks and roots. Try doing that for a half mile. Try doing that while your legs are feeling like jell-o because of the 4 miles you just hiked prior. Yeah, it sounds like hell, no? It's not. (hehe) It's actually a really fun time. Once we got to the base of the fall itself, we climbed some rocks and positioned ourself under the cascading water. It seriously felt amazing. Talk about a great massage. We walked back down, changed clothes (behind the car and a towel) and drove home. Once ice cream stop and we were home. My body hurts, and I ended up with a charlie horse in my shoulder while trying to hook my bra. It was totally worth it. I really enjoy hiking, and definitely wouldn't trade it for anything. Perhaps this is why my mother would like me to marry a forest ranger.

Colorado is right around the corner and I'm beyond excited. I have already decided on a number of things to do while we are there, and I'm only hoping that the schedule permits all of it! I want to take the railroad up to Pike's Peak, which is supposed to be phenomenal. The Garden of the Gods is also supposed to be amazing. There is Seven Falls (259 steps from the bottom to the top, but it's GORGEOUS and recognized by National Geographic, which definitely piques my interest), Cave of the Winds, Royal Gorge Bridge (country's highest suspension bridge at 1,054 feet), and of course, rafting the Arkansas river. We have 8 days to have our fun and see our figure skating stuff, but I'm excited. I still have to pack! We leave on Saturday (technically Sunday, but we're staying in Newark the night before since our flight is at 4:00AM) and I've not even started the packing process. I'm such a procrastinator. It'll be okay though, I'll make it work.

Anyways, I'm out for the night. I have to go let my dog out, then head down to mom's. I have to spend the night so she can take Olivia to skating at 7 in the morning. Joy!

Disclaimer

Before I begin posting in a new and unfamiliar blog, I am forced by prior circumstances to provide you with an insider's guide to reading any of my entries.

I am a bluntly honest person who uses a blog space to discuss events, ideas, theories and emotional occurances. I do not withold my fellings, nor should I have to. It was your decision to click the link of this blog, therefore it was your decision to accept my words for what they are. I welcome discussion, but please be aware: discussion does not equal personal attacks.

If you feel as though you are willing to read my simple little blog with an open mind, then please, by all means, continue to read. Add it to your favorites if you so wish. Otherwise, thank you for visiting.