Control

Okay okay, I'm a control freak. The first step to recovery and change is admitting your problem, right? I am not a control freak in all aspects of my life, but when it comes to my feelings and the way that I act/react/process/live daily I like to have total control. I like to be able to say "I am angry, and I'm going to walk away" or make the decision to fly off the handle and make with the screaming. I've always been good about holding back tears when it's not an appropriate time/place for them and have always been someone who could mask her supreme joy if necessary. (Well, aside from Trista, no one could tell just how I'm feeling. She's got this crazy ability to read me instantly!) I feel as though lately I've lost control of myself and it terrifies me. I can't hold the smile back when the phone rings. When I see the two-year old my heart visibly pours out. I feel as though if you were to see me interacting with the firefighter and his son, my eyes would be sending the message loud and clear. Nothing hidden. This is what worries me. I want to decide when to send the message. When to allow people to see what's really going on inside of my heart. What my brain is trying to rationalize away. What I'm trying to avoid. Yes, I said it, avoid. I'm terrified of the feelings that really exist, as the last time I was certain I was feeling them, my heart was crushed. (Luke) The control freak inside of me doesn't want to open up to the possibility of that happening again, yet I'm fully aware that without allowing that possibility I'm cutting myself off from the possibility that my heart will not be broken. There is a possibility that my heart, instead, would be free to experience something so beautiful. Risks vs benefits. I decided to be brave (in the wimpiest sense of the word...ha!) and write a little of how I'm feeling in his Christmas card. Granted, I didn't use THE word, and I'm not sure when he'll actually read it, (it's on his gift which I intend to give in person) but I did it. We shall see how it all turns out.

I guess I'm just afraid because there is so much about him that I like. He makes me laugh, inspires me, teaches me new things, is my friend, is supportive and offers suggestions without criticizing, is a hard worker, a good father, a people person, a conversationalist, cooks, cleans, helps friends in need, good looking, athletic. The list really could go on. Does he have faults? Everyone does. His don't scream "run!" the way some other people's have. His biggest fault is his schedule, but that can't really be helped. Take this week for instance: Monday and Tuesday at the firehouse, Wednesday and Thursday night at a side job, Friday he's cooking for his firehouse's Christmas party, Saturday working at the firehouse during the party and Sunday is a memorial service for a friend he lost. I won't get to see him at all this week, but I understand why. It sucks, as I LOVE spending time with him in any capacity, but you have to pay your bills. I receive my daily phone calls and my text updates so at least I know he cares enough to stay in contact with me when we aren't together.

Oh well. At least I'm being honest with myself, right?

Last but not least, I have to thank Trista. She has dealt with endless rambling about the firefighter for awhile now. I don't remember if she was ever like this with Josh, so I can't even say "you did it too!" I'm thankful that she puts up with me. :-)

Until the next post. Wish me luck!


-Jess

The truth about online dating.

Those who know me have heard stories about where I live. A tiny town in farm country, NY, which is comprised primarily of cows and conservative farmers. Not exactly the best place to find a significant other, I've turned to online dating. (People at work simply are NOT an option.)

I had turned to online dating at first because of my Aunt's persistence. I met a few guys and ended up with Jordan. After that ended, I decided to give it another go.

I updated my profile, added some new, post-zumba photos and let time do the rest. This time around I received MANY messages. This is where things get interesting.

Guy #1: "I have four cats and love them more than my family. I live alone but not really alone because my cats keep me company when I'm home!"

Guy #2: "Yo shawty, whaz hott?"

Guy #3: "I'm big into Marshall arts. My sister just had a doughter. Do any of your sisters have doughters?"

Guy #4: "I'm a manager of a rental car chain. I am close to my family and adore my baby nephew. Let's do dinner and a movie on Friday!" *calls when I'm 1/2 way there, excuse given, don't hear from him again.*

Guy #5: "I'd love to get to know you. How was your weekend?" *reply sent, haven't heard back in a month.*

Guy #6: "All I want is sex. If you're down for that hit me up. You're good looking, I'm good looking and we can just Fu*k all the time."

Guy #7: "Yeah, I participated in the Highland games this year. I loved it and hope to participate again. If you give me your number I'll give you a call sometime." *number given, no call received.*

Guy #8: "I love family. I'm at a point in my life where I want to settle down. Do you want kids? Our birthdays are two days apart? You're beautiful and I can't stop thinking about you."

Guy #8 and I are still talking, still hitting it off and hopefully things will progress nicely. We talk every day and sometimes I'll get a text from him while he's at work, just saying hi and seeing how my day is. He's kind and considerate and we have a good deal in common.

As for #s 1-7...
Weirdos. I know I'm picky, but if you continually misspell words like DAUGHTER then we simply will not work. Also, while the idea of a booty call is great, I'm looking for more.

I also did not list the men who were over the age of 50 who have messaged me. It's just ridiculous.

Online dating has allowed me to meet new people, a couple of which I have remained friends with. I'm just hoping I'll have more luck this go-round and not end up in another dead-end relationship with someone who is afraid of what's to come.

Wish me luck!


-Jess

Ice Ice baby

Man oh man, where has the time gone? Oh, I know. It's gone into working, playing on the weekends (sometimes with the boy) and skating. Lots of skating. I was approached by my coach about participating in my first Figure Skating competition and so I said "sure, let's do it." Man, I should have realized that my OCD and type A personality would make this more difficult on me than it needs to be. I'm a perfectionist at heart, and try to push myself to be the best at everything I set out to do. This causes me grief on the ice. I have changed my music twice, mostly because I knew I could find something better. I ended up with "It's just a house" from the Up Soundtrack and I love it. I have only been skating with my music for a short time, and yet I have only Monday night left to practice before the competition is here. I know that I have only been skating for a short time, yet I expect things to be perfect while I am out there. I'm also dealing with the fact that I am stuck between skating levels, and cannot do some of the things I can do because of deductions. This simplifies my program a bit, and makes it that much more irritating to me. I lost this past Saturday of skating due to back issues (that I haven't figured out the cause to) and am really hoping that come tomorrow night, I'll be where I need to be to take home the gold.

Things with work have been good. I was told by one of the directors of the Education department that I am an asset to the company and they really hope that I pursue a higher position within the center. I was told that I work well with the kids and that they respond very well to me. I have "a natural talent when it comes to being in a classroom working with children or staff." It was very nice to hear, and it came at the right time. I was starting to get frustrated with my position, but now it's helping me push myself and do what I need to do to to move up the ladder.

The man is coming up for Valentine's weekend, and I can't wait. Despite it being the competition weekend, it should be a good time. I'm trying to figure out what to cook for him for Valentine's dinner and am coming up with no ideas. Hopefully with some research I'll be good to go.

That's all for now. My 12-in-12 will be coming up soon. Keep your eye out!

What...the...hell

I love facebook, but I am also starting to hate it. It's a way for everyone to stay in touch and of course the source of my beloved Farm Town, but it's also making me feel like a leper. 

A number of people from my high school (who I never talk to ever, but felt the need to add me as a friend) have caught my attention. People who were not only ugly physically, but ugly mentally and spiritually, are either engaged, married or pregnant. What? These were people who I never thought would be in a relationship with anyone, especially before the numbers of people who were GOOD people on the inside. 

Then, I look at a friend of mine from college. She's a nice person, very much plus size, but also had the ability to be overbearing and pushy. She is in a relationship, and has been for some time now. 

I'm happy for those people who have settled down and have their lives in order (Tris, Kristen), but I also wonder how some people could have found someone to be with, yet I can't. I'm always "just the friend." If I were a guy, I'd be the "nice guy" that no girl would want to date. 

Perhaps it's all coming down to the fact that I'm not handling having him around the playhouse well, or perhaps it's because I'm just frustrated that asshole bitches can find men. Either way, I need a good night's sleep and a good day to follow.